


we lost her

by brogurt



Series: lost girl [1]
Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: AU, F/F, F/M, Trans Female Character, trans!Waverly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-07-24 00:42:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 26,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7486665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brogurt/pseuds/brogurt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>lonely little trans girl growing up with a dead father and absentee sisters</p><p>--</p><p>a trans!Waverly AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. //start

**Author's Note:**

> cw; dysphoria/transmisogyny/abuse

\--

 

She dreamt about the same things most of the time. Her sisters, her mother, her dead, dead father. Her bed was recently empty but she could still feel Champ’s sweaty warmth radiating from her sheets. She kicked him out most nights he tried to stay over, not ever wanting to eat breakfast where they’d be forced to converse about real things; things unrelated to Waverly’s ass and how fuckable she looked in any given outfit.

She was naked and twitchy. She stood slowly, reaching for a pair of shorts. Her phone was lit up, an alarm displaying her annual reminder that Wynonna wasn’t coming home. She rattled off a quick but cutesy 'happy birthday sis! <3 <3' (She’d once flirted with a guy on Tinder who’d apparently clocked her because she ‘typed like a dude’). Waverly picked at a scab on her ankle. Her nipples were sore, bruising from Champ’s desperate mouth. He was still a sweet kid after all these years, and he certainly was into her, but Waverly couldn't ignore the little things he whispered things in bed that made her want to put him through a meat grinder. Champ was low grade, and most people saw it.

Waverly felt a little sick and a little sad as she opened her Revenant Box and shifted through the same files again. Curtis had died and, as usual in this town, it was under mysterious circumstances. Waverly wasn’t the type to go professing her beliefs to any stranger who could get her sent away (like Wynonna), but she couldn't go about her life like the first 21 years hadn’t occurred; _that_ would be crazy. And Waverly was almost positive that she wasn’t, in six years, who knows what she could do.

 

\--

 

W***** was six and reading Laura Ingalls Wilder, a stolen book from the school library. A little girl stuck out in the middle of these badlands; brave pioneers fighting off the harsh snows and Indians; strange occurrences and terror that always led the family to love each other even more. She caught a glance of Willa and Wynonna out of the corner of her eye and tightened her shoulders, making herself smaller.

“Where did you get that?” Willa asked loudly, the girl quickly exhaled, exposed.

W***** was six and reading books intended for kids twice her age, this was embarrassing, her sisters let her know that daily. Willa was walking towards her, down the stairs and grabbing the spine of the chapter book.

“Where did you get that from?”

“I got him the book, Willa.” Wynonna piped up; the middle child still on the stairway.

“Didn’t Daddy tell you not to?” Willa didn’t turn her accusatory glance from her younger brother, her fingers crinkling the paper.

“Yeah.” Wynonna shrugged and rolled her eyes, smiling a little, a smile that crept onto W*****’s face contagiously.

“What?” Willa’s glare brought her back to the ground.

“I just- I just wanted to finish the story! It’s a series.” Her voice was small and soft, uniquely androgynous. Willa knew the power she had over her sibling, even Wynonna to a degree and she relished in it. It was that same power that would strike fear into revenants when she turned 27, and her Daddy never let her forget it. Ward encouraged Willa to do what she did, every moment of their lives a training session.

“I’m gonna tell Daddy.”

“Willa...”

“He’s gotta learn, Wynonna!” Willa stomped her foot on the ground, turning away. “If all he does is read and ignore his training, what good is he gonna be against the revenants?” Wynonna looked like she had more to say but conceded with deep apologies in her eyes. "This is a girl's book anyways."

“They’re NOT girl's books!” W***** snapped and immediately covered her lips. Yelling at Willa was never the best way out of any situation. Wynonna cringed, Willa smiled.

“You’re dead when Daddy gets home.”

Her fingers were grinding into each other like bison ramming their horns, all that needless aggression coming to nothing.

 

\--

 

The girls’ room was like a special hideaway, one of several places in the homestead that W***** was obviously never allowed; deep cuts on the wooden doorway marked out; ‘No Boys Allowed’. Wynonna had done it a year ago and they’d snickered, knowing their brother could read well enough to understand.

W***** could feel the cuts burning every time she walked by the secret place and felt like a germ.

When Ward Earp got home later that day, Willa was so loud in proclaiming her brother’s guilt that she shook the house and emptied a few more dirty secrets that Wynonna had pressed her not to let slip. W***** was lying on her bed (a couch) and plugging her ears but the sound came through just as bright and dismal. Ward came into her room and sat down next to her shaking form, (she hadn’t even realised how hard she was crying). A blessed period of sobriety probably indicated no hitting, but she knew that the drink could make him easier to outwit; he was sharp and focused tonight.

“Are you trying to get her angry with you?” He said after a minute.

W***** shook her head and let out a light, wet sound.

“I- I- wanted to finish the story.”

Ward put his hand on his youngest’s shoulder, she flinched in response.

“You’re coming with us to training tomorrow.” He said, no excitement in his voice, just a sad, low truth. Ward’s voice couldn’t really calm, he often sounded too nervous or drunk to put anyone at ease, but W***** did, for this night anyway, feel her heart surge. She’d never been to Willa's training before, always on the consideration that she was too young and it was too dangerous.

Ward stood up to leave and his weight shifted W***** out of her comfortable position. Bravery on her tongue, she called after him.

“Can I have the book back?”

Ward barely stopped to answer,

“Willa burned it.”

 

\--

 

The range was self-made and tenderly ruined. Willa looked older than she was with her gun in hand, Ward had Peacemaker strapped to his thigh.

The shots were hot and fierce and it took all of W*****’s straining to stop herself from covering her ears. She was six and guns still sounded like the end of the world. Willa noticed her struggle and smirked.

Ward brought her up closer, little targets and empty beer cans stood on hay bales and fence posts.

“Do you remember what you need to do? To kill a revenant?” She nodded.

“Shoot ‘em with Peacemaker.”

“Close.” Willa said, “but you have to remember, you can’t just shoot them any old place.” Ward nodded, “It’s gotta be between the eyes.”

“That’s _why_ we do target practice. Your sister has to be able to hit a revenant, or anyone else, square in the face, any day of the week. That’s a kill _nobody’s_ waking up from.”

Willa fired off another round and shattered a bottle into hundreds of tiny shards, the wind blew the sparkling dust over beyond the next hill. Thunderclouds were rolling in and sounded through the ground.

“Daddy?” Ward didn’t look at his her but W***** felt pressed to go on. “Are there any girl revenants?” Willa stuck her eyes on W*****, face tilted in barely visible confusion.

Ward laughed.

“Sure are. And they’re just as mean as any of the men. Maybe even more so.”

W***** had no sense of what to do with that confirmation, but she felt a bubbling in her stomach as the first drop of water touched her shaved head.

 

\--

 

“Daddy says I’m a lot like Peacemaker.” Willa shocked her brother out of what she was drawing. It was later in the evening, Ward was out at Shorty’s and the three kids were all lounging around the house, it was a hot day and W***** had her shirt off, scribbling on the ground. The rain hadn’t stopped the dreadful humidity and there were four fans running as fast as they could, all pointed at the children.

“Why?” W***** responded, Wynonna’s face was smushed into the couch cushion and Willa grinned.

“Cause I’m older than I look and the most important.” The answer seemed rehearsed and W***** wondered how many times her sister had repeated those words to herself. She didn’t doubt her Daddy had said them, maybe several times, and shameful jealousy ran hot through her.

“What kind am I like?” She pressed, and Willa squinted at her brother. She made little humming sounds to demonstrate how hard she was thinking before coming to a response.

“Like... a shotgun.”

W***** glowed and grinned at Willa. She waited for an explanation, but was already inventing reasons in her mind.

A shotgun,

a force to be reckoned with, unexpected but useful.

Her patience gave way in the face of curiosity and W***** moved towards the couch Willa was resting on, stopping inches away from her face.

“Why?”

“You’re messy... and unfocused.”

Oh. She shrunk back.

“When you go off, you take everyone else down with you. You put everyone else in danger.”

Her eyes hit the floor and she burned.  For just a moment it had almost seemed like Willa had something kind to say. Throwing down the pencil in her hand, she started to march away.

Wynonna seemed to have woken up and let out a small yawn.

“Where’s he going?”

Willa laughed softly. “He’s just being a weirdo.”

Willa’s words made W***** scratch the skin of her arms, Wynonna tried to catch her eye but she was gone, tears sticking to her eyelashes, she stepped out the back door, into the pounding rain. There was silence even with the gallons of water falling from the sky, silence that broke a moment later.

“She shouldn’t talk to you like that.”

The voice was familiar.

“She can do whatever she wants.” W***** shot back, unwilling to accept any kindness into her ears.

“You don’t think that. That’s not fair.”

W***** felt a hand on her shoulder, she grabbed it, invisible and rough. She was breathing heavy as the rain poured down her back and through her shorts, shivering.  

“I've always found a shotgun to be quite the weapon.” The voice said plainly, “It doesn’t always look like it can break your heart and settle a storm, but when you hit that trigger;” He whistled, “Woah, baby.” W***** didn’t react. She knew what he was doing, it wasn’t helping. W***** wasn’t strong like her sisters at all, she wasn’t a storm, that was all Willa and Wynonna. She was... a sneeze.

“When you were alive...” The words slipped out of her easy, though she barely recognized them as her own. “Did you ever wanna be a girl?”

There wasn’t an answer at first.

“Bobo?”

A deep chuckle came from above.

“Why?”

“Please! Just... tell me.”

Bobo paused again, W***** hadn’t ever thought about his home or where he came from at all. Bobo said he was an imaginary friend, a ghost who found special, important people and whispered helpful secrets to them. She would sometimes ask him if she could see what he really looked like but he’d always just laughed and laughed.

She didn’t know if had ever had a life before this one.

“No. Back when I was alive, being a girl was nothing worth wanting.”

W***** cursed herself for asking.

“Do you?” Her eyes were glued to the ground, twisting her bare feet through the mud. Thunder sounded in the distance

“...I...” She didn’t have any sense of how to begin; how easily Willa could wound her by simply reminding how her name sounded; how she hated Daddy shaving her head bald once a month to keep the bugs away; how Wynonna’s little terms of affection made her brain feel like it was being shut down; how badly she wanted to ignore the words carved into the walls and walk right into her sister’s room with no consequences, no more lectures from Daddy; to have it all be gone.

“I don’t know.” Bobo held her hand tightly. “Is that bad?”

No answer.

“We could do a test.” He said finally. She looked up at the sound, squinting through the drops.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, what would you think if I called you a princess?” The word sounded funny enough in his gruff voice, but applied to her, W***** burst out laughing. She felt a blushing warmth run through her body and land on her cheeks. The cold of the rain slipped away from her.

“Again.”

Bobo cleared his throat.

“You’re a princess.” It worked the second time too. A rush of something went up and down her spine and she giggled.

“Now presenting, W***** Earp, princess of all of Purgatory, fair ruler of the Ghost River Triangle.” W***** was convulsing with laughter, still holding onto the strong arm of her only friend. Her stomach was lit up with a thousand feelings, the primary one being righteousness. Lightning struck the Earth somewhere and W***** felt the fire of it run right up through her. She couldn’t see Bobo, but she imagined that if he had a mouth, it was smiling.

“ _I_ am a princess.” W***** said, her ribs still shaking.

Bobo (surely) nodded. Let Willa be the heir, W***** had something better, something stronger.

“I don’t think I want my name to be W*****.” She said out loud for the first time

“What do you want it to be?”

W***** stopped, totally blissfully happy for the first time since before Momma left.

“I don’t know!” She laughed  “But it’s gonna be the _best_ name, better than Willa’s or Wynonna’s or Daddy’s.”

Bobo clapped his hands while she curtsied in her floppy basketball shorts and danced around the backyard, the sky occasionally lighting just one of them against the black of the Purgatory sky.

 

\--

 

Two days before the attack on the homestead, she whispered “Waverly” to the backyard and prayed Bobo heard her.

 

\--

 

Waverly was eleven and Wynonna was spiraling. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen her sister sober, and the delusions were mounting.

Waverly hadn’t been to school in over two years now, remaining dedicated to the clunky websites Gus had discovered, counting towards her middle school education. ‘It just isn’t safe,’ she’d explained to the protective services that occasionally showed up to check on the children, ‘these kids have been through so much and every child in that God-forsaken school knows it. They’re punching bags.’

Waverly hadn’t been paid any attention really, she was a ‘smart little kid’, but nothing worth clamoring over. She read at lunch and was nice to girls.

Wynonna hadn’t stopped fighting since Daddy and Willa died.

“Can’t you just try?” Gus’ voice was straining, the woman couldn't really yell but she pushed herself to the edge of tears. “Try and see what happens!”

Wynonna was laughing and Waverly wanted badly to cover her ears, she knew that would make Wynonna worry about her and it was the last thing the youngest wanted.

“No one wants me there Gus! If I show up, I promise you someone’s gonna get hurt,” Wynonna’s grin was toothy, gaps loud in their presence from fistfights and a lack dental care, “and it’s not gonna be me! They’re the same kids who got me kicked out in the first place!” Most kids in town whispered about Wynonna, she was a daddy-killer, a monster and a freak who saw demons where regular folk stood. She fought back, didn’t care for changing anybody’s mind, becoming exactly what they always thought she was. Waverly didn't know if Wynonna had a single friend her age; no one had ever come over, Wynonna only went out.

“What kind of example are you for your brother?” Gus whispered, her greyed hands were now flying in Waverly’s direction. Wynonna looked at her and Waverly quickly turned her eyes away, finding a particularly interesting moth circling the lamp next to her.

“No kind.” Waverly could still feel her sister's eyes on her.

She turned the page, Wynonna looked back to Gus.

“He’ll be okay.” She gritted her teeth, bottle shaking in her hands.

“He’s almost as old as you were then, you know? That night?”

“I’m right here, you guys.” Waverly’s voice wasn’t loud but it did pause the two older women, and they stared at the youngest Earp child, heavy sorrow lingering on their faces.

 

\--

 

Waverly read the word ‘transexxual’ in a newspaper article in December of that year. She burst into tears and screamed and hid the paper under her bed when Gus came to check on her.

 

\--

 

Waverly didn’t ever sneak into Wynonna’s closet while she was out murdering her liver. She never slipped into tight dresses and poorly applied makeup, gazing at dirty mirrors, feeling sick and embarrassed. She thought about it sometimes. She thought about asking Wynonna. But Waverly didn’t dress until she knew she’d be safe and she wasn't safe until Wynonna had already left.

 

\--

 

The drugs were easy to order and easier to disguise.

Curtis brought the mail home and Gus had given Waverly some money to spend as she pleased, so it wasn’t odd that there were a few packages here and there. They assumed the unmarked white boxes must have been filled with books. Waverly was fascinated by history, language and American mythos, local history and stuff like that. They didn’t raise her but took partial credit for her being “a prodigy”, as Curtis would sometimes say watching his adopted nephew read on the porch until the sun had no light left to give and she was forced to come inside.

And Waverly did order books. Sometimes.

But her penchant for research led her elsewhere.

She was smart beyond her years, _that_  Curtis was right about, and she knew how to sound like an adult writing an email. She attached Gus’ debit account with little issue and the boxes started to come in. She read about hormone levels and how to track them, pricking her finger with Wynonna's pocketknives. Waverly Earp started medicating at 12.

And of course, she knew that the changes wouldn't start manifesting for a good month or so, but that didn't stop the first pill from being a huge freaking letdown. Yes, regardless of her prior knowledge, Waverly still had those same shreds of idealism. She only wanted something big and wonderful to happen. 

But nothing did. Waverly squinted her eyes in the dim light of mid afternoon and rubbed her chest.

Her heart was beating fast and Waverly though of Laura Ingalls Wilder, staring at a local Native chief,face to face.

And the first month and a half did go by, and it did start. It was just blockers at first, though blockers led her to more and more and Gus only sometimes commented on how strange it was that “W***** still looked like such a baby”

Waverly just smiled and shrugged and looked at herself in the mirror with some hope for the first time in a long time.

 

\--

 

When Wynonna was put away for the first time, Waverly bit her arms to try and stop herself from crying.

The scariest thing was how relieved she felt.

 

\--

 

Waverly was thirteen and finishing her online courses. She was feeling cocky and maybe a little too excited about going back to school. Gus had promised her that Purgatory high would definitely happen. She had high expectations for what real school would be like; _real_  friends and _real_ teachers and  _real_ studies. After a few years of roaming around Purgatory with Gus, going grocery shopping and selling tomatoes at the town farmer's market every other Saturday, Waverly could already recognize some of her future classmates.

Wynonna was coming back from the hospital and could maybe even get a job in town now that she wasn’t crazy (The therapists had assured Gus and Curtis their niece was ready for a return to the real world). Waverly had spent all day in Wynonna’s old room, clearing away cobwebs and putting up sparkly glow-in-the-dark stars. She worked her ass off on a card, folding it at just the right angle so that the two ends of the paper met each other seamlessly. Her stomach was full like the first time she’d said her name years ago.

Waverly stopped on her way to the front door, caught by her reflection in the mirror. Her hair was a sort of curly mess, coming just below her shoulders. Curtis had commented on her decision to grow it out after Daddy died once and Wynonna had quickly shut him down.

“Let him grieve. Jesus Christ.”

No one mentioned it again.

Waverly liked putting her hair up in high buns and funny little pigtails. When she was out shopping she would occasionally get called ‘Miss’, ‘she’, ‘honey’, ‘sweetheart’. This made Gus scoff and roll her eyes but Waverly’s heart started beating so fast that she’d sometimes forget to stammer a correction.

Waverly wondered what Wynonna would think now that her hair was longer than ever. Her palms pushed the mess up into a ponytail and tied it delicately. She wondered that if for a few seconds, Wynonna might think she was some random ‘Miss’ too.

 

\--

 

Wynonna looked nervous as she walked from the building, she felt shaky as Waverly wrapped her arms around her sister and they both stood together, Waverly gaining on Wynonna’s height advantage.

Wynonna pulled back and looked at her brother, a painful smile on her face.

“Good to see you, kid.”

“Yeah.”

They all drove home in silence, Waverly leaning hard on Wynonna’s shoulder, her breath not stinking of bad liquor, the sun still hot as it dipped below the landscape.  

They fell asleep in the restored bedroom on night one. There hadn’t been much talking, just fingers wrapped around each other and the occasional bad joke and laughter that followed. Waverly couldn’t find it in herself to ask what the hospital had been like.

 

\--

 

The next morning, Wynonna was shaking Waverly awake and holding a baggie full of little blue pills in her right hand.

“What are these?”

Waverly was grumbling and wiping her eyes clear of sand, but the minute she got a clear glimpse of what her sister was holding, she lunged for it, wide awake.

Wynonna twisted her hand away and let Waverly fall on her face.

“You can’t be serious.”

“It’s nothing.” Waverly felt a trickle of warm fall from her nose and hit the carpet red. She groaned and reached for the tissue box she had smartly placed on Wynonna’s bedside table yesterday.

“I’m supposed to be the junkie failure. Not you.” Wynonna had no humor in her eyes, and the words may have sounded harsher than she intended them to be.

“I’m NOT a junkie!” Waverly stood up, not looking very assertive with a sticky red napkin to her face. “They’re for... headaches.” Wynonna laughed. “I’m serious! They’re prescribed.”

“Oh yeah, and doctor’s always hand out their medical prescriptions in a plastic baggy.” She shook the bag twice, the pills twitching around, Waverly's eyes following them tightly “Very medically sound.”

“They’re not... I’m not taking anything illegal!” Waverly’s voice was wavering and muddled, “They’re not... recreational or anything.”

Wynonna carefully walked towards her brother, eyes squinted and mouth slightly open. She took Waverly in, from her pupils to her fingernails, and Waverly held her breath and the tissue to her still bleeding nose.

“Does Gus know?”

“You cannot tell her, Wynonna.”

“Then what are they?” Waverly looked down.

“Um...”

Waverly ran through a list of similar looking pills she’d seen in studying. Unfortunately there was only one stuck in her mind and Wynonna was growing impatient. Suddenly, she was already saying her worst possible answer.  

“It’s... uh, Viagra?”

Wynonna shoved her, only laughing a little bit.

“Fucking gross, dude.”

Wynonna tossed the bag to Waverly who just barely caught it.

“But funny.”

Waverly took a deep breath and watched her sister walk away. She couldn’t tell if Wynonna was still humoring her, or if she had really bought it. Either way, the blood coming out of her nose was nothing compared to bright red of her cheeks and the nervous huff she let out, placing the pills in her pocket.

 

\--

 

Wynonna was around, actually around for the first time in awhile. She wasn’t perfect, she was shaky and always flinched in the dark, her eyes big and rapid. However, she wasn’t drunk. She was working at Shorty’s and ordering Waverly pizza on her own dime.

It was very much too good to be true.

“Have you looked at any of the schools?”

Wynonna rolled her eyes.

“That’s not an answer.” Curtis was never unkind to Wynonna but he could be firm. Everyone knew he could eventually run out of support to keep Wynonna from crumbling, that’s why she got sent away in the first place.

“I’m not going to some community college so I can become a better McDonald’s middle manager someday.” Wynonna didn’t mince her words.

Waverly almost said something about there being no shame in it, but she didn’t.

 

\-- 

 

When Waverly found the bundle of cash Wynonna had saved up, she was initially ecstatic.

Then horrified.

“There’s no way you made that all at the bar!” Waverly said, keeping a tight leash on the volume of her voice. Wynonna didn’t look at her. Curtis and Gus were out for the whole week. Something about picking up specially modified artichokes and them only being available in Wisconsin.

“You’re going through my stuff now?”

“Guess I’m taking after you after all.” Waverly shot back. That one stung, Wynonna marched towards her brother, one hand out, and shoved her into the wall. Waverly felt stinging run through her chest, she had just upped her dosage and the effects were coming through loud and clear. It was getting harder and harder to hide what was obvious. Waverly didn’t want to have to bind but she couldn’t wear half her t-shirts anymore and the summer was too miserably for sweaters. 

The money was wrapped up in a carry-on suitcase under her bed, filled with a few dozen assorted shirts and jean shorts Wynonna had never finished unpacking.

“Tell me you didn’t, Wynonna.” Waverly felt the tears overflow her eyelids. “They’re family.”

“That didn’t stop you, Mr. Viagra.” Waverly bit her lip hard and Wynonna grinned at the victory. “Besides, I need it more than they do!”

“What do you mean?” Waverly stopped herself and looked at the empty closet.

A sick feeling hit the bottom of her stomach.

“You’re leaving.”

Wynonna didn’t react.

Waverly let out a shaky breath, thick with tears.

“Where are you going to go?!”

Wynonna walked out the door, grabbing the bag and jumping down the stairs, her boots making the house shake. “Don’t you have a plan?” Waverly followed her down the stairs and into Gus’ kitchen. Her fingers were grasping at walls, looking for ways to steady herself. Wynonna had her face in the pantry, filling her bag with whatever Gus had bought to last them the week.

“Nope. I have a plane ticket.” She was shoving a box Ritz crackers in the bag. Waverly tried to grab her, get her attention somehow.

“You have a life here, Wynonna!” Her sister set a jar of peanut butter down hard on the counter, Waverly let out a small yelp.

“What the fuck do you care, W*****?”

Waverly steeled herself.

“It’s not your life.” Wynonna continued, they were looking at each other now.

“Don’t call me that.”

No.

The words weren’t real as she was saying them. This was a dream she’d had many times before; telling Wynonna. Wynonna’s eyes were lost in confusion only for a second before refocusing.

“What?”

Waverly’s dreams had never lasted this long.

“I mean...”

“What do you mean?”

The air was hot even with so many air conditioners blowing. When Waverly thought hard about telling people, she imagined a couple of scenarios. She could see Curtis and Gus being horrified at first, but mainly just worried. They’d want her to see a doctor or a therapist or something and let him (it was always a man) sort it out. Waverly wouldn’t blame them, whatever their reaction was. They didn’t sign up for this, any of it, and she wouldn’t want them to be kept up at night with one extra worry. If their minds could rest easy about Waverly, she felt that she was doing an okay job. She could even imagine Daddy laughing and untangling her hair, making some comment like, 'I always knew I was surrounded by girls'. With Wynonna though, she never really knew. Waverly knew she missed Willa, and sometimes Daddy. Maybe she wouldn’t mind having a sister again. Waverly had a fantasy where Wynonna scooped her up and held her close and bought her a dress and a knife to keep safe, whispering secrets about guys and nail polish.

But her fantasies hardly ever came true.

“I’m a girl.”

The two remaining Earp sisters looked at each other with varying degrees of pity and regret. Wynonna's eyes were stones. Waverly’s arms itched to be touched and she felt herself reach out for Wynonna’s hand.

Wynonna dodged her, grabbing the food items still on the counter and walking towards the front door. She stopped before taking another look at Waverly with far too much going on in her eyes to decipher easily.

“Good luck with that.”

The door shut and Waverly hit her head with balled fists and howled.  

 

\--

 

It was brief with Curtis actually. He sat on the bed as she wept and wept, pushing her head into the space between his shoulder and collarbone. Occasionally, he would say little things like, ‘I love you so’ and ‘It’ll be alright’.

“I still wanna go to school.” She felt him freeze up, his hands no longer running through the tangle of her hair. “Please.”

He sighed and Waverly wondered what his face looked like.

“They’ll be cruel to you.”

“Not if they don’t know.”

Curtis wasn’t a progressive man by any great means. He kept up with the news on the radio and scoffed at politicians far too out of touch to help his little farm. However, he remembered the time two men had come through Purgatory, looking for a home, a stretch of land not too far from the Earp land. Must have been ten or fifteen years ago now. The taller was in real estate and the shorter a farmer, like Curtis. He had been kind to them, given them fresh veggies as a welcoming gift and turned his ears away as the talk spread in Shorty’s. The men shouting and the ladies whispering.

They hadn’t been run out of town, but the tension grew too great. Curtis remembered seeing them load box after box into the back of a truck. He waved a sad smile as he drove by.

They stared back at him, not angry or spiteful, maybe tired.

He hadn’t _done_ anything. And then they were gone.

Now, his... little girl. This poor child who had lost her family, who had no right to smile as wide as she did at another round of school supplies showing up in their mailbox, who had to be told to stop reading historical nonfiction at 3am. That sweet thing was asking her a favor. And Curtis may not have been a great fighter, but for... for Waverly, he could pick up his shield.

“I’ll talk to the school distract tonight," He felt her tighten in his arms, "but you have to talk to Gus before tomorrow."

She nodded and scrambled away, looking happier than he had seen her since Ward died.

Curtis satisfied an itch on his arm, the mosquitos taking great advantage of his short sleeves and tangled beard.  

 

\--

 

When he came into their room later that evening, Gus was sitting up, staring at the wall opposite her. She knew.

“I’m scared for him.”

Curtis nodded.

“But he seems insistent.”

Curtis pulled his jeans down and pulled off the Grateful Dead tee. He’d had the shirt for almost thirty years now. It felt heavy even as the fabric dissolved between his fingers.

“I can take him shopping tomorrow.”

“She.” Curtis stated.

Gus shot him a look and Curtis sighed.

“Well, we might as well get used to it.”

She touched his arm and rubbed her eyes, tears falling intermittently.

The lights didn't go off but they both drifted in and out of sleep, like they were keeping watch against some mysterious predator in the heat of a jungle. 

 

\--

 

Waverly Earp was fourteen and Gus braided her hair for her first day at Purgatory high. She had stayed up all night choosing the clothes that had to make a perfect impression.

A cute pair of jean shorts and flowy top, touches of makeup here and there.

No one cried but Gus’ hug lasted long and Curtis was careful not to disturb the elegant handiwork of his wife. Both were firmly less nervous as they saw Waverly’s broad smile return. She looked good.

Waverly was dancing inside herself, nerves and freedom washing through her fingertips as they got in Curtis’ pickup. It wasn’t like she didn’t have cause to be anxious, but she had done her part; passed all placement exams; _passed_ in front teachers (everyone remarking on how they only recalled there being two Earp girls before being cooly corrected by Curtis); and promised her aunt and uncle to come straight home if anything went south.

But now, the real test was here.

 

\--

 

“You’re an Earp.”

Waverly looked up from her book (she had been sneaking glances of the people around her, establishing relationships and rules), there was a pretty blonde girl in front of her. She was taller than Waverly and looked at her with grave and curious eyes. Waverly nodded.

“I’m Waverly.”

“People are talking about you.”

Waverly’s fingers dug into the paper.

“What?”

“Your sister.”

Oh.

Waverly took a deep breath, her pariah of a sister saving her ass once again, even whilst she was living God knows where.

“Yeah...”

The girl sat down next to Waverly, looking at the spine of her book. She turned back to Waverly with her eyebrows raised. Waverly shrugged.

“I’m Chrissy Nedley.”

“Oh,” Waverly connected the dots in her head, “as in Sheriff Nedley?” Chrissy nodded and gestured to Waverly’s pile of grapes, Waverly nodded and her friend (?) took the biggest one and placed it on her tongue.

“You a freshmen?” Waverly nodded, “You wanna come sit with me?” Chrissy gestured to a pod of girls sitting at the furthest table. Someone had just told a really funny joke as everyone was laughing their prettiest laugh.

Waverly smiled at the invitation, her heart beating fast again, and stood up.

When they arrived, Chrissy quieted the table with her presence and Waverly took the chance to look at everyone. Most of the girls were wearing a lot of makeup, thick eyeliner and sticky lipgloss. It made Waverly wonder if she should have been wearing more, (she’d try some stuff tonight) now worrying if anyone was questioning her place at the table.

“This is Waverly Earp.” Some gasps broke across the table. A girl grabbed Waverly by the arm.

“I’m _so_ sorry about your sister.”

The other girls nodded, Waverly didn’t know what to say.

“It’s... thank you”

“Are you still living in that murder house?”

Waverly shook her head and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

“I live with my aunt and uncle.” Everyone had questions on their tongue, is it true what Wynonna did?; Is she locked away in some insane asylum?; Do you believe in demons too? Waverly’s head was aching and there were still thirty minutes left in the lunch period.

“Hey! Hey! Jesus, ladies, you’re gonna make her head explode.” Some voice came from behind her. She turned and was face to face with a smiling set of white, white teeth. “And blowing this pretty little head up would be a true tragedy for the first day a’ school.”

Every girl in the vicinty giggled. Waverly was bright red.

“Uhm...”

“It’s Champ.” He put his hand out, “Sorry, but we don’t get many newcomers in Purgatory, ‘specially not ones as pretty as you.” Waverly nearly choked on her own embarrassment and felt a different kind of nerves then the ones she’d had all day. She took Champ’s hand in her own and shook, gingerly.

“Waverly.”

“Good to meet you, Waverly.” He started away, clutching a bagged lunch and a football under his shoulder, “I’ll be seeing you.”

Waverly trailed him with her eyes until he’d smacked his hand on the top of the door frame, exiting the cafeteria. She turned back to the table and every girl was staring at her with newfound respect and disbelief.

“Holy shit.” One girl said, others nodding in agreement.

Waverly took a seat and shrugged, “I have no clue.” Her smile saying otherwise.

 

\--

 

That weekend, Waverly was invited to a sleepover with Chrissy and a few other girls. Waverly was a little surprised but Chrissy quickly brushed away her insecurities.

“I like you. You’re pretty and mysterious.” Chrissy was always blunt and emotionally absent. She was ‘cool without trying’ but always trying very hard, red lips clinging onto cigarettes. Waverly found the whole thing hard to explain. “Plus you have the whole Champ thing going.”

Ah, the Champ thing.

He hadn’t left Waverly alone since that first lunch, not that she was complaining. He was dumb and flirty and continually shocked by Waverly.

“I’ve never met any girl as smart as you.” He whispered as she claimed her third correct conjugation of the day in the Spanish 1 course they shared.

“But plenty of boys.” She teased back.

Champ grinned, “Nah. You could take Einstein down a peg I’m pretty sure.”

“Señor Hardy, Señorita Earp?” Waverly flushed and Champ rolled his eyes. A peal of laughter rolled through the class, everyone in Purgatory had heard about the two by now.

So Waverly Earp had some non-murder related fame on campus, she didn’t mind people’s whispers quite as much now that she knew what they were whispering about. And she even found herself relishing in the jealous glances girls gave her as she walked through the halls, tall blonde boy beside her.

“I bet you do this with all the new girls.” She was becoming more and more comfortable flirting right back to him, and he loved it.

Champ shook his head, grinning wildly.

“Only you, Waverly Earp, only you.”

 

\--

 

Waverly was funny. The girls around her were laughing. Chrissy was laughing.

Wynonna being a smartass was good for something after all.

No one thought it was strange when she wanted to change alone. No one gave it a second thought. Waverly couldn’t stop smiling even as she brushed her teeth and the spit leaked onto the floor.

They teased her about Champ and did her makeup (she could do better). They passed around Mike’s Hard and barely got buzzed. Waverly had grown up with a drink or two, Wynonna was her sister after all, so watching the bouncy group of freshmen girls pretend to get wasted was perhaps the funniest thing she’d ever seen.

Waverly didn’t smoke ‘cause it made her voice gravely, but she could taste the acid in the air.

 

\--

 

Champ asked her to Homecoming and she pouted for a minute.

“What no flowers?”

He laughed and kissed her.

“How’s that?”

 

\--

 

When Champ stuck his tongue in her mouth, she was careful. She made it out as ‘playing hard to get’, but she was nervous. Champ made her feel incredible, but never safe.

At Homecoming, his football friends (junior varsity) laughed at them and he shot them funny faces. They danced a little and got very drunk and Waverly could feel the situation spinning away from her as they sat in his car.

“This is a bad idea...” Her arms historically weak as he laid kiss after kiss on her neck and shoulders.

“Babe... this is the _best_ idea.” He looked up at her and then down at his straining pants, “You can’t leave me hanging.”

Part of her just wanted to do it, but the other half was worried that if she did, he might want more and more; way more than she could feasibly supply.

But he begged and moaned and she gave in, easy.

They were pressed awkwardly against each other as she unbuttoned and unzipped. She had obviously seen porn before, she wasn’t a child. She was fourteen damnit.

 

\--

 

It didn’t feel great, but it wasn’t _really_ supposed to, right?

 

\--

  
  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this fic was inspired by tumblr user thedeadflag's commentary about the way trans women characters (or more often g!p characters) are fetishized and not given any kind of backstory beyond 'has a penis' and 'is horny'. so i wanted to try looking at a fic where we are focused on the backstory of the trans character and kinda breaking the tropes of a lot of those g!p fics. tropes like the more butch character being the one with a penis and their partner trying to 'fuck their dysphoria away'
> 
> and please, if you enjoyed, leave a comment!


	2. //stop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's alive!! very sorry on the wait! I've been in the hospital actually for awhile and writing motivation was hard to come by. but i'm BACK! and here's your chapter 2! because i felt so bad about the lack of updates, i'm actually gonna split this last part into two chapters so you people can have updates. So yes, one more after this one and it'll feature the bulk of the Nicole romance.

\--

 

And then, she was shining.

Waverly Earp wasn’t just the smartest girl in her class, she was the smartest student in Purgatory’s high school since anybody could remember. The teachers knew it, and lauded award after award onto her. She was sent to the city to compete and represent the school in local competitions. Math and science mainly, even though it was the history books, Gombrich and Woodard, that she fell asleep on at one A.M.

She was a sophomore and tutoring seniors, football players just trying to pass and pick up their scholarships on the way to college glory; Champ included.

“How does all this stuff just make sense to you?”

He was laying on her bed, feet at the top end, stomach up. Waverly was at her desk, widening the tear in a gummy pencil grip.

“Well, she explains it in class.” Champ laughed and Waverly felt her heart light up.

“Yeah, I guess she does.”

 

\--

 

Gus and Curtis had met Champ one evening in February when all the crops were dead and the bar was wild. They’d left some rookie hire out in the storm of snow and all settled into the house for sweet tea and a meager dinner. Waverly felt Curtis’ sinking reservations the moment her boyfriend walked through the door.

“Sir.”

Curtis eyed him terribly.

“Well, no need to be so formal, son.” He muttered, his tone conveying the opposite.

Waverly laughed and quickly moved over to Champ, taking his hand and showing her aunt and uncle just how _fine_ it was that Champ liked her. Gus raised her eyebrows, Waverly didn’t notice.

“We have food.” She said stupidly.

“So I gathered.” Champ’s smile was broad and full of light. Even Gus seemed to melt a little in the Apollo’s ray.

Curtis was muttering something as he put a plate of biscuits down. Waverly thought she heard the words ‘golden boy’ escape his lips.

“How’d you get that nickname?” Gus found herself asking.

Waverly jumped to explain.

“Champ’s been playing the rodeo ever since he got to school.” Her mouth was full of buttered bread. “You know, Drerry? The guy who runs the circuit a few miles over? He says he’s never let a boy in high school play before and wouldn’t start now. So, Drerry turns him away four times before Champ slips him something a little extra and gets inside.” Champ was grinning, the only thing he liked more than telling his own stories was hearing someone else tell them. Plus, Waverly liked to wring out the details. She was a better speaker than him, and that didn’t escape Champ, even if it occasionally made him frown. “Champ rode the bull better than anyone there. Got the prize money AND an invitation back.” Waverly held the pride thick in her voice, thicker than Champ ever did about her math winnings. Champ liked to hear Waverly tell stories, but maybe not solve proofs or simplify equations. “The bull never once got the better of him. He held on to that fur like too-soon-tomatoes to the vine.” She shot a look at Curtis who nodded. Champ was grinning big now, if Waverly could get Curtis to his side, there’s no way her aunt and uncle would bother them.

“Drerry said they’d never had a champ like me.” Champ looked right into the older man’s eyes. “It stuck.”

“I’d love to see you ride sometime.” Gus said, not knowing nor caring about the innuendo, though Champ sniggered and Waverly rolled her eyes.

It felt so good to have a boyfriend.

To be loved, even badly, felt perfect.

 

\--

 

Champ had pleaded with Waverly, begged her, to let him fuck her.

It was almost a little pathetic.

When the topic came up, they were only five months in. She’d dismissed it and blown him. He’d never touched her beyond feeling her nipples and slobbering on her neck. He knew she liked the way he bit at her ears and kept doing it, callously optimistic.

“Don’t you love me?”

Waverly looked up, saliva and something else hot on her tongue, she swallowed.

“I guess so…” He saw the ‘but’.

“But…”

“I’m waiting.” She said, “For marriage.”

Champ smiled, his eyes mean.

“Got Jesus on your mind, Waverly Earp?”

She wiped her mouth and scowled at him.

 

\--

 

It hadn’t stopped after that, every time she so much as kissed him, she saw it in his eyes; that desperation. It grossed her out to a point and turned her on to another; Champ was obsessed with getting inside of her.

Chrissy was her best friend. It happened in a casual way that they only confirmed out loud after a pool party the summer of their freshman year. Waverly was understandably terrified. No matter how often she practiced her tuck or looked in the double angle mirror in the master bedroom, she didn’t feel ready.

“You look fine, Waverly.” Chrissy caught her friend looking at herself in some found reflection, still wrapped in a shawl.

Waverly grinned and nodded but didn’t unwrap, Chrissy frowned.

She came out of the water suddenly and lurched towards Waverly, grabbing her arms and looking her very close in the eye.

“You listen to me, Waverly Earp.” Water was dripping from her nose and lips in a way that made her words slippery. Waverly caught herself staring and looked back into her blue, blue eyes. “You are fucking hot. Hotter than half the girls here.” Waverly opened her mouth to protest.

“No! No!” Chrissy was smiling a little. “I’m your best fucking friend, I’m not lying.”

Waverly was very silent.

“Best friend huh?”

Chrissy smiled

“Duh, bitch.”

She got up and pushed the shawl off.

“Get your pretty ass in here.”

Waverly struggled only for a moment, but she did stand up. The girls (and few guys) who were already splashing in the sunshine-heavy water hollered and cheered, and Gus’ old fall wrap laid in the heavy grass, collecting heat.

Now it was winter, they were sophomores and Chrissy noticed the way Champ acted around Waverly; less like a boyfriend and more like a child. He had been inserting coins of affection for months now, and was expecting what he saw as equal pay.

Champ was underneath Waverly’s scarf, planting thick, wet marks down her neck and jaw.

Chrissy bit her lip and watched the snow that had started drifting, sending them inside for the rest of lunch period.

 

\--

 

“You haven’t lost it?”

“And it’s been a year?”

The voices were incredulous and Waverly was blushing.

“I… I wanna wait-”

Quiet laughter felt like snowflakes on her eyelashes, making her vision blurry.

“Fine. Wait.” Steph said. “He’ll find someone else.”

Chrissy had her mouth open to help but Waverly stood and walked up the long stairs of Chrissy’s basement. Chrissy wanted to follow but Steph’s eyes read murder and she couldn’t choose the new girl again.

Waverly was crying and Chrissy’s mother was offering to drive her home.

Waverly could see their Christmas tree from where she was standing. It made her think of Mama.

“I’ll walk, thanks.”

 

\--

 

In the dark and the snow, Waverly could have sworn she heard Bobo’s voice echoing around the ghost town.

 

\--

 

After she told him, he got up very slowly and walked away.

She watched him almost slip on the ice in her driveway from the window. Curtis pulled into the driveway as Champ started his engine. It was like a sad, dumb movie; one where Waverly already knew what was gonna happen.

But Waverly didn’t know any movies with women like her in them, not good ones; only bad 80’s flicks with serial killers who had dicks and wielded their knives like metaphorical erections.

 

\--

 

The second worst week of Waverly’s life followed. Champ ignored her, pushed his eyes away from her desperate gaze. She had seen him be cruel many times, many ex-friends and former fans. Champ was not smart but he knew how to toy with people, people who trusted and loved him.

Waverly wasn’t sure if she was allowed to be any of those people anymore.

When some of the strange looks she received on her first days a year and a half ago returned, she cornered him at lunch. None of his (her?) friends moved as she approached. Champ’s eyebrows raised and then lowered.

Her Earp anger was about to be revealed.

“Excuse us?”

Steph rolled her eyes.

“We’re talking.”

“Just a minute, Stephanie.” The crowd let out low ooo’s, Waverly hadn’t intended anything specific but she smiled at her effect.

“Please.”

She shoved off and most of the crew went with her. A few stragglers stayed behind, desperate to watch what they hoped would be a historic meltdown.

Champ hadn’t said anything at all.

“Did you tell anybody?” Her voice was quiet now. Champ flinched.

“Come on, Waverly, do you think I’m stupid?”

Yes.

“You didn’t.”

Champ nodded.

Her stomach stopped writhing so bad, she took a deep breath in and sat on the opposite side of the table, drumming gloved fingers on the rubbery metal.

Champ grabbed her hand and there was silence again.

“What do you want, Champ?”

He didn’t say anything. Waverly could see a pack of cigarettes in his jacket pocket, the varsity jacket she’d worn hundreds of times by now.

“I have some questions.” He leaned in, rubbing the fabric of her gloves between his fingers.  

Waverly swallowed.

“Shoot.”

Champ looked around, no one was left near them.

“So you have a dick.”

Waverly’s neck nearly broke as it spun, worried someone was still near.

“You said, ‘Shoot.’!” Champ exclaimed.

Waverly let out a low groan.

“I didn’t know you were gonna be so… direct.” Her voice was tense and quiet, her eyes occasionally snaked over to what the other girls were doing twenty feet away.  

“Well…?”

She swallowed and bit the swell part of her cheek.

“Yeah.”

Champ sat back, his eyes half full of fear and half full of something else, something Waverly only recognized from those nights in his bedroom or out in his car. Waverly turned her gaze down to the table.

“And you… like, get hard?”

Waverly’s eyes were following an ant, crawling into an abandoned bag of Cheetos left by one of Champ’s buddies. There were dozens more already inside. She shuddered and looked up, catching Champ’s intense gaze.

“These are really the questions you wanna be asking?” He didn’t falter and she sighed. “Okay, okay.”

 

\--

 

  
Waverly Earp relented hard and the snow that fell that Friday trapped the pair at Champ’s, with Gus and Curtis being persuaded to let her stay the night after one phone call.

“It’s really bad out there.” She held the receiver to her chest, the line dead. The flakes were illuminated by two streetlights fifty feet from the house. They trailed in and out of the orange light like moths before falling to the Earth.

Champ was looking at her in the dark, the only light in the room illuminating Waverly’s sweater and the bottom side of her face. He looked like Marlon Brando in ‘The Godfather’; all spread out and covered in shadows, dark lines tracing his face, making him look older than he was. He nodded in response and got up slowly, moving towards her.

“What would you do?” He asked suddenly, Waverly turned from the window.

“If?” She added, her mouth suddenly thirsty.

He touched one of her braids, trailing it down her back. Waverly knew he liked her hair in pigtails.

“If everyone found out?”

She looked at the ground.

“I don’t know, we haven’t talked about it much.”

“Hm.” He kissed the side of her cheek, setting up some kind of fire in her belly, that was her sweet spot; Champ knew it.

“I guess they’d send me away, boarding school or something.” Her eyes got a little teary, she couldn’t imagine Wynonna hearing about it.

Oh.

She stopped for a moment, Waverly hadn’t thought about her sister in awhile. She watched her reflection in the shimmery glass of the second floor window. She wondered what Wynonna would think of her right now, her hair, her life.

She turned to face Champ directly and pressed her lips on his, harder than she’d ever done before. He responded immediately, tongue slipping inside mouth with no resistance or complaint.

“I love you.” It was muffled, Waverly nodded and said nothing. His hands reached towards her jeans, tugging at them to come off. She looked back up at him, and suddenly his thick fingers were wrapped around her jaw.

“Just don’t talk about it anymore.”

“What?” Her voice now just as blurry as his.

“This thing, this transsexual… whatever. Don’t talk about it.”

She blinked rapidly.

“Okay.”

He was smiling now, and pulled his shirt off, Waverly rubbed her chin at the release. Ow.

“Don’t you want this?” He asked incredulously, “It’s fine, your secrets out, that was it, right?”

Waverly shook her head, trying to clear the storm of thoughts. He laughed.

“Come on, Earp.” He touched the top of her head. “Turn that brain off for a minute.”

And maybe that would be much easier. Maybe. Waverly swallowed, she kissed her boyfriend again and pulled her sweater off over her head. The braids came slightly loose and she felt the tension in her head ease slightly, like unscrewing a bolt just a little and watching it breathe. Curtis taught her that trick just after the attack on the homestead and she spent all the next week just absentmindedly tugging on screws. She kissed her Champ like she was one and sucked him off just before the point of coming and then later she let him fuck her. And it fucking hurt and she cried and it was fine and his cooing afterwards made her feel the way she did the first day he ever came up to her. Getting that sensory shock, that ‘they know I’m an Earp and still love me’, that was an addiction harder to shake than any other drug Champ amateurishly tried around his friends. Champ knew and he still wanted her, wasn’t that love? Doesn’t love feel good?

But Waverly didn’t feel good, she felt like vomiting; and she did, several times the next day.

The next day of school, Waverly felt the glow of that Friday night shielding her from the cold. Steph and Chrissy both regarded her with grins and a need for details. Champ’s dumb and ugly friends looked at her with new levels of lust and respect.

And Champ just grinned and locked his arm around her shoulder. Geez, Waverly couldn’t complain.

 

\--

 

“You’re mythic.” Chrissy said to her one night, laying on her bed, spring starting to push past the April cold.

“If you say so.” Waverly laughed and reapplied her chapstick.

 

\--

 

Summer of her junior year, Waverly started work in Shorty’s. He and Gus could always use the extra help. Even though she couldn’t serve drinks ‘til she was eighteen, she was somehow a very good cook. So she stayed in the kitchen and eventually came out and started taking orders from strangers and people who recognized her from football games and being around Champ. She liked socializing at the bar, it was an instant fit.

Champ begged her to sneak alcohol out of the cabinets for their parties but Waverly held her resolve. She still felt sick about stealing what she did to pay for her first pills. Curtis wouldn’t let her chip in for them now, now that she had the extra money to spend. He insisted she go out with her friends, see movies and all that; which she did sometimes, but Waverly still loved spending her nights hovering over books.

She was becoming fascinated by her history; _Earp_ history, and there was a lot of it.

 

\--

 

Champ laughed at her, hands tight around the same ‘History of Wyatt Earp’ that she’d read a hundred times by now.

“The ending change yet?”

She smirked and scoffed.

“You’d know if you ever picked up a book.”

Sometimes, it was almost like they were back to normal.

Champ lost his smile.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Waverly stopped and her little grin fell too.

“Nothing.”

“Jesus, do you ever turn off?”

One of Champ’s football buddies came up from behind and shoved him. Champ turned and started jabbering about some play from last week’s game. Waverly twitched her fingers around the spine. Sometimes it was like nothing was ever the same.

 

\--

 

Six of them were in a hot tub together when the topic came up, it was mid February but Steph swore the heat and the smoke would keep them warm.

“Did you hear about this shit?” One of Champ’s dumber friends was talking, Craig was neither smart nor very good at football but a chiseled jaw brought him far.

“What?”

“You know Lady Gaga?” Most of them nodded, Waverly included, “The p-p-p-pokerface lady or whatever?”

“What about her?” Chrissy asked, her eyes bleeding disinterest.

Craig snickered.

“I read it online,” He stopped, as if remembering his own punchline, “She’s a dude.”

“What? No way.” Steph said, her voice not selling her disbelief.

“I’m totally serious,” He laughed again, “It’s got a penis.”

The group floated in silence for a moment, Waverly suddenly feeling how surrounded she was. 

“Fuck, that is creepy.” Steph said, in total shock, “She doesn’t look it all.”

Craig nodded, elbowing Champ who didn’t say anything. He was swirling his fingers in the bubbles.

“That’s just fucked up.” Chrissy said, holding a bottle to her lips. The words felt icy to Waverly, who suddenly didn’t feel like drinking anymore.

“I feel sick.” She said and stood up. Champ eyed her the whole time as she walked back into the house, feet freezing as they touched the icy concrete.

 

\--

 

Waverly did graduate valedictorian like everybody thought she would. She gave a very good speech and only thought about 'coming out in grand dramatic fashion in front of everybody she’d ever met' for a moment. It seemed like such a terrible and brilliant idea that she saved it for daydreams. Her speech wasn’t extravagant, it was very Waverly. She chose her words carefully and slipped in some foreign language here and there. Gus cried and Curtis stood to clap before he should’ve. These things made Waverly beam the brightest as she walked towards the principal and the district head.

Most of the idiots in her class managed to pull through and graduate. There were only a few too stupid to cheat or sue, but in a town like Purgatory, it didn’t always matter what degree you had. Waverly had wanted to apply for schools and Champ talked her out of it.

“An online degree‘s just as good, y’know.” He had half a bottle finished and it was a warm and summery October night; the kind you only get one of in the whole of fall. 

“It’s not just the degree though, I wanna _go_ places, I wanna _meet_ new people.” Waverly was pacing.

“What, and be like your sister?”

Waverly stopped. She looked at her phone, the last message Wynonna had sent her was from her birthday, two years ago. She had responded but Wynonna never sent a second text. Is that who she wanted to be for Gus and Curtis?

She sat down on the couch, Champ’s arms easily finding their place around her hips.

No.

She smiled as he kissed her ribs through her shirt, the phone still shining hot in her face.

 

\--

 

There was a big reception with bad cake and punch. Rumors of a pool party were quickly spreading through the recent alumni and Champ was aching to get out of the gymnasium and into his suit. Waverly was receiving congratulations on her speech, Champ groaned with every new person that approached them. He tugged on her gown like a six year old in the supermarket.

“Jesus, Champ, just a few minutes.” Waverly muttered in his direction as the kind older woman from down the street made her way towards them.

Her eyes turned up and locked on someone familiar. She was struck, eyebrows raising and mouth dropping in shock.

Wynonna was there, standing in the doorway of the gym, just barely outlined in shadow.

Waverly covered her mouth with her hand as they made eye contact. Wynonna’s eyes squinted as she took Waverly in, running her eyes over the dress peaking out from the blue robes, taking in the way her sister’s eyes still looked the same when she cried.

Waverly took a step, pushing out of Champ’s grip, Wynonna returned the favor. Pretty soon, Waverly couldn’t help herself and broke into a run, slamming into her older sister with the force of four missed years.

“Wynonna.”

“W*****.” Waverly’s eyes flashed with hurt. “Or… maybe not so much.”

“It’s Waverly.” She replied coldly. She looked Wynonna over, she looked so old, God. She must be… near 24 by now.

“I didn’t take you for the type to stick to Daddy’s pattern.” Wynonna grinned the same way she did when they were kids and Waverly relented. She took her sister’s hand.

“Dick.”

There were too many tears to tell if Wynonna was crying as well.

“I liked your speech.”

Waverly was shell-shocked again.

“You heard me...?” Wynonna nodded and wiped her mouth with the sleeve of her leather jacket. The thing didn’t look tattered, but still felt old.

“My little sister’s a real genius, huh?”

Fuck, Wynonna.

“You may be a cold-hearted bitch,” Waverly felt the grin in her voice and the choke from her tears, “but you still know how to work me.”

Waverly buried her head in the smell of the jacket, just as thick and inescapable as it was the day she left. Wynonna’s hands fell around her shoulders.

“I missed you.” Waverly couldn’t tell which one of them said it first, but it didn’t matter anymore.

“I hear you’re working the tabs at Shorty’s these days,” Waverly laughed and nodded, Wynonna’s arm slamming around her shoulder. She leaned in close. “maybe you can be the one to get me a fucking drink around here.” Waverly bit her lip to contain her giggles.

Champ came up suddenly behind her.

“No fucking way.”

Nothing mattered; Wynonna was home.

 

\--

 

“You’re not staying, are you?”

Wynonna looked up from her drink, Waverly was pouring one for herself.

“Just don’t lie this time and tell me right out.”

Wynonna lifted the glass and downed her drink like a pro, then wiped her mouth on her sleeve again. Waverly had noticed that habit, newly acquired.

“Alright, I’m not staying.” She sounded drunk or possibly tired. “My bus comes tomorrow but hey, I came to see you graduate, kid.” Waverly’s stomach dropped with the news. Of course, of course. Things couldn’t be like they were before, ever. That just couldn’t be anymore.

“All of my friends are out getting wasted tonight,” Waverly muttered, refilling Wynonna’s glass, “getting fucking smashed on the cheapest and most rotten booze available, including by the way, my boyfriend-”

“You can do way better honey, he looks like a brick wall on stilts.” Wynonna tilted her head back and downed the fifth. Waverly grimaced and continued.

“And I am here. With you.” She leaned across the bar and snatched Wynonna’s glass. Her sister let out a gasp. “So we need to talk seriously.”

“Sure, sure, whatever you want!” Wynonna reached but Waverly was nothing if not long-armed, “Come on, Wave, this isn’t fair.”

Waverly squinted,

“Wave, huh?”

“I’ve been missing out on the good nickname potential.” Wynonna smiled, knowing the glow that had settled in the bottom of Waverly’s stomach. Waverly’s smile broke out and reminded Wynonna why everyone seemed to be in love with her now. Shaking off the good feeling, she turned her attention back on Wynonna.

“Don’t distract me.” Wynonna raised her hands.

“Unintentional.”

“Good.”

Waverly reached under her desk and brought out the thick book that had been sitting there since early March. Some security when night shift’s got slow; their shared ancestor adorning the cover.

“Oh God.” Wynonna’s face turned sour on seeing the title, “Don’t tell me you’ve been-”

“The curse, Wynonna, we need to talk about the-”

Wynonna slammed her boots on the ground and started walking towards the door.

“Wynonna! Where are you going?”

Wynonna turned so sharply it almost shocked Waverly. She had forgotten her sister could move that fast.

“This is exactly why I’m leaving.”

“I’m only trying-”

“Well, _stop_!” Waverly bit her cheek. “Nothing good is coming out of playing around in Daddy’s stupid games. It fucked me up for more years than I’ll ever forgive him for, I will not let it fuck you up when you’re standing up there as the valedictorian!” Wynonna’s shouting rustled the glasses hanging from the rack above the bar. “Just let it be, Waverly, Christ.”

Waverly slunked the book back under the bar, blushing red and fists tight. Wynonna pushed her hair back and walked towards her, grabbing Waverly’s shoulder.

“I’m trying to protect you, babygirl.”

Another new name. Waverly couldn’t help but feel the warmth of Wynonna’s familiarity. She hadn’t changed at all, and yet, was totally a different human being. The kind of strange contradiction that only existed in Waverly’s life.

Wynonna let go and headed back towards the door.

“I’m gonna head up to the motel.” She pushed the door open, “You need a lift to Gus’?”

Waverly swallowed and shook her head.

“I’ll walk.”  
 

\--

 

Three years of monotony pass you pretty quick, when all you’re doing is working bar shifts and fitting class time into that schedule, going on occasional bad dates and hookups with Champ. It all settles into banality.

Waverly had wanted to break up after school, but a few months into that endeavor, they’d ended up in the same bed again anyway. It felt like bad luck, or maybe good luck, maybe it was hard to tell.

 

\--

 

Even when she thought about Wynonna yelling at her that night, she couldn’t stop herself. It felt like destiny.

Destiny was pouring through every available resource at the big public library in town, getting clearance for the localized documents and staying up way too late photocopying. Destiny was learning Latin and ancient runes and anything else that could help in the fight. Sometimes it was very lonely, sometimes it wasn’t.

 

\--

 

She woke up and Champ was back in her room. She gave him a look.

“I have work.”

He laughed and got closer to her, holding out his jacket.

“Forgot this last night.” He slugged it over his shoulders, “It’s getting cold early this year.”

“Are you going to Curtis’...?” She trailed off, “...whatever?” Champ came towards her, obnoxious in his trying to be tender. He grabbed her hand.

“Do you want me there?” She shook him off.

“I’m not sure I’m going.” Champ’s eyes got wide for a second, but then he nodded like he understood.

“I understand.” She groaned and pulled on a shirt. Champ attached himself to her arm again. “Come on, everyone’s upset about what happened to Curtis.”

“I’ll see you later Champ.” She pushed through the door of the tiny apartment, eager to just, start the day and not think about any of this.

 

\--

 

Wynonna was home, again. Somehow, Waverly was no longer drawn into the light. It didn’t feel like last time. Waverly had a life now, even though it was a shitty one; it had started to feel like she wasn’t just waiting for her sister to return triumphant every moment of her life.

Wynonna was harder than last time. Waverly thought about her work in the apartment and wondered what she would think, that she might at least be impressed _and_ angry.

 

\--

 

Nicole Haught, being a fresh-faced rookie out of Chicago and thoroughly unprepared for the strange ride of small town police work, was trailing around in her dad’s old clunker, getting to know the neighborhood. The town center seemed to consist primarily of a bar and several antique shops all competing with each other.

Nicole wasn’t in uniform yet, but already, the people watching was fantastic. This town seemed to be full of real life cowboys and bikers. It was like a page out of every cheesey midwest romance she poured over when she was a kid. Nicole Haught, remained to this day, a sap, and those books had maintained a large role in that.

Just then, her eyes were struck by her own rough-and-tumble cowgirl.

Some brunette crossing the street in a crop-top it was clearly too cold to be wearing, but this girl didn’t seem to care. Her hair bouncing as she made her way to the bar Nicole had noted earlier, Shorty’s. In fact, the shirt she was wearing seemed to splay the establishment’s name across it’s front. She must work there, Nicole thought.

She sucked in a sharp breath.

Lesbian in a small town, extremely attractive stranger; a recipe for success?

She scratched the rough spot of her CPD sweatshirt. Nicole certainly was in no place for grand introductions, that’ll have to be put off.

She lifted her eyes and the mystery girl was disappearing behind the big brown doors of the bar.

Shit.

  
\--

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed and the next chapter will not take a month, i promise!


	3. //restart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i told you it wouldn't take another month! this one is quite long and there's a lot in there so i sincerely hope you enjoy. it's been a ton of fun to write and hear the responses (good and bad) to this story. i really think that talking about what makes good trans stories is the way everybody's gonna end up writing better ones. 
> 
> i drift pretty far from canon now that we've arrived in the show cause i hate rewriting scenes! this one also gets more explicit than past chapters; you've been warned.
> 
> (having some trouble uploading/sorry if there are multiple posts)

\--

 

Nicole Haught stood, uniform clean pressed, shaking at the entrance to the bar. It was still early, but she had watched (not in a stalker way, in an _investigative_ way, thank you very much) Waverly enter and turn the lights on a few minutes earlier. She’d gotten the name from her new boss earlier, with a sigh and a warning.

“You’ll get to know the Earp girls quite well.” His mustache twitched. “They’re… well, they’re what we call, special cases.”

Nicole nodded, eyes only a little wide; it was always the cute ones.

“Their daddy got killed way back, ‘long with the eldest sister.” He sighed and scratched at his face. “Was a big mess, ‘specially since most folks around here think it was the middle girl, Wynonna, who did it.” 

“Wynonna.” Nicole repeated, “She the one that just got back into town?” 

Nedley nodded, “The same.”

Nicole took a breath, slyly slipping the conversation towards where she wanted it to go.

“And the younger?”

Nedley smiled, enjoying the opportunity to brag about his townsfolk.

“Waverly. She’s our darling, they took her out of schools for awhile but she turned out alright. Real smart girl, class valedictorian when she graduated at the local school.”

Nicole smiled back at him; at least her newfound crush wasn’t a suspected murderer.

“You should be introducing yourself to the people here,” Nedley turned the conversation back to her rookie duties. “including the Earps.”

Nicole nodded and stood up as Nedley left the office, following behind him and grabbing the keys to her new cruiser. She couldn’t help but feel giddy as she climbed inside the vehicle for the first time.

Now, what Nicole needed was a line; something to get her on the inside immediately. She may have been overtly flirtatious in college but that was college, and _women’s_ college at that, where everybody’s either a lesbian or trying to be.

Now, her mind was blank.

She pushed on the door, it opened, the creaking hinges not giving Nicole another second to consider. She walked inside quickly, hand on her belt, and scanned the room.

There was Waverly Earp, covered in beer, fighting the tabs. Nicole almost laughed, at least she was the second-least prepared for whatever was about to happen. Nicole coughed and Waverly looked up at her, her shirt now clinging to her chest in the best/worst possible way. Waverly looked like a booze-soaked angel, and Nicole suddenly thought about how ridiculous and ill-fitting the khaki pants and shirt looked. She was lucky to have opened the top; hopefully Waverly liked uniforms.

Nicole inhaled and gave it her best shot. 

What came out may have sealed her fate in either direction.

 “I didn’t know Shorty’s had wet t-shirt contests.”

  
\--

 

Waverly felt like she was losing her mind.

What the fuck was that?

The moment that rookie opened her well-proportioned mouth, Waverly was off her instinct. Still wet and holding a loose Shorty’s tee that appeared to be two sizes up from her own, Waverly leaned back against the bar, patting away what she hoped was beer and not sweat.

Nicole Haught lived up to her name, but what did Waverly care? She’d been around attractive women her whole life. Hell, her best friends were the life of clubs and bars they occasionally drove out to, and she’d never felt like this about Chrissy .

Waverly swallowed. She hoped so anyways.

There were moments she remembered; Chrissy leaning towards her, pressing newly acquired falsies to her eyelids and Waverly feeling the warm breath on her face and neck. They were moments she hated in retrospect. 

But this, this was something totally different. It’s not like any girl in Purgatory had walked up to Waverly like that; dripping with flirtatious remarks and sex appeal. Hell, it wasn’t like Waverly had ever even met a lesbian before, much less been flirted with by one.

She put her hands on the bar.

What did it mean that she kind of liked it?

Waverly definitely felt a little sick now. On top of Wynonna coming home; determining the curse was real; nearly getting killed twice and all other manners of oddities, Waverly now had to deal with whatever this was. It wasn’t like she didn’t know women like… Officer Haught existed but to learn she might be one of them; that was a no go. Waverly chewed at her lip and tapped her heel against the floorboards of the building she’d been living in for nearly a year now.

That was just something that couldn’t be, ever.

 

\--

 

Nicole sat back in her cruiser.

She didn’t have an answer for herself quite yet. Waverly had certainly seemed affected by her advances, but maybe not in the way she had wanted her to. She pushed her hair back under her hat, some imaginary loose threads bothering her. Maybe she was setting the pace a little too fast for her, what, third day in this town.

As she backed out of her parking place, Nicole couldn’t help but catch Waverly stepping outside, her eyes following the cruiser all the way down the street. She grinned.

_Mission accomplished._

  
_\--_

 

Wynonna put out their bonfire around 10 and they both hunkered into the homestead. It still felt eerie sleeping alone in any of the rooms, and the rats and spiders who’d made their home there didn’t try to hide their presence at all. 

Waverly woke with a start at three in the morning and wandered downstairs, there she found Wynonna still awake, holding half a bottle of something. Waverly laughed and Wynonna jumped.

“Jesus, Waverly! Scared the hell out of me.”

It still felt funny to hear her say it. Sometimes Waverly forgot that everything about this was kind of new.

“Sorry.” She was still kind of smiley as she plopped next to Wynonna on the couch. “Couldn’t sleep?”

“This place makes me nervous.” Wynonna said plainly and Waverly found herself nodding along. “Roughest night I’ve had in awhile.”

“And that’s saying something.” Wynonna smirked a little but didn’t laugh, Waverly bit her tongue, cursing herself for saying anything at all. It still felt like they were getting used to each other again, like at any moment some other horrible secret might get revealed and Wynonna would slam the door shut.

“I met the Nedley’s new rookie today.” Waverly brought up for no reason, already flushed from thinking about it, “She seems…” Waverly searched for an appropriate adjective, “approachable.”

Nice.

Wynonna took a sip from her bottle, her fingers tight.

“Oh, the gay one?”

Waverly choked on nothing and Wynonna patted her back a little.

“Woah, girl.”

Waverly regained a steady breath and looked at her sister incredulously. 

“How’d you know she’s gay?”

Wynonna let out a fake guffaw.

“What, she didn’t broadcast that hard enough for you?” She asked, slapping her own hand on where a belt would be around her jeans and adopted an accent, “She was just too subtle to figure out?”

“Alright, alright.” Waverly grumbled, ignoring Wynonna’s chuckling. Strange as it seemed, Waverly didn’t much like her sister making fun of Nicole. She rubbed her nose and tried not to think about why.

 

\--

 

Waverly only remembered that she and the officer, well, shared a workplace after Nicole barged in on their Black Badge meeting. Waverly ducked her head down, almost embarrassed, grabbing a file in a half-assed attempt to make it look like she was working.

Nicole had no idea why Waverly would be with Dolls outside of visiting with her sister in the office, but seeing her nervously jump as she walked in the room was enough to keep her fingers crossed.

She hoped Waverly was nervous in the good way.

As she closed the door behind her, brushing her nose at Doll’s sharp reprimand. She reminded herself that she was a rookie; not everyone would take to her right away.

No reason to be a dick, in her book.

 

\--

 

Waverly escaped the room with two boxes of her files in hand, while Dolls and Wynonna stayed. She figured she could make it back to her apartment before her shift and have time to go over any more details she had on this particular revenant. She, of course, immediately caught the eye of Nicole who stood up to greet her.

“Officer.” She said graciously, ignoring the blush that rose to her cheeks. Nicole smiled and held out her hand.

“Need any help with those, Ms. Earp?”

“Oh God, please don’t call me ‘Ms. Earp’,” She laughed uncomfortably, “Waverly is fine.” ' _What are you doing?_  ' She felt like screaming, something in this woman just turned Waverly into a blabbering idiot. 

Nicole reddened, and Waverly fought off a smile. At least she could have an effect.

“Sorry, force of habit, y’know?”

“Yeah, they are just so polite down’in Texas, huh?” Waverly exaggerated, Nicole’s eyes widened.

“That obvious, huh?” 

“Like an illegal fireworks display.” Nicole shook her head, laughing and Waverly couldn’t help but giggle along with her. That anxious heartbeat was rising again, the same feeling she had in the bar.

“I’ve been out of Houston... nearly six years but I guess it comes out when I’m nervous.” Nicole said, fiddling with something from her desk. Waverly watched her fingers dryly, long and pretty, not what she’d expect from a police officer but it was only her first week. “And beautiful girls tend to make me nervous.”

Waverly laughed too loud and several officers turned and looked in their direction. If she had her hands free, Waverly would have slapped herself in the head.

“Sorry.” Waverly said, horrified.

Nicole was smiling like she’d just seen God.

“Lemme help with the boxes.”

 

\--

 

“I didn’t know you worked with Black Badge.” Nicole was carrying both boxes in her hands now, they were a lot heavier than they looked but hey, she didn’t spend all that time at the gym for nothing. “I thought that was mainly your sister’s gig.”

Waverly shook her head, embarrassed that she was now walking empty handed. They were making their way back towards Shorty’s just as the sun was hitting the middle of the sky.

“They hired me as a consultant.” She explained, pride in her voice, “It’s ‘cause of all the research I’ve done. I’m kind of an expert in relevant areas.” She blushed, not trying to brag on herself even though what she said was true.

“Oh yeah?” Nicole remembered Nedley saying she was smart, “I’ve heard you’re some kind of genius.” Waverly rolled her eyes but kept her smile. 

“Oh my God, is Gus telling people that again?” She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, “It’s honestly not like that, I just have a penchant for language.” Nicole nodded sarcastically, wondering how humble Waverly could be without faking it. 

“Just a penchant for, what was it, seven languages?” Nicole teased, even in the face of the prettiest girl in town, she was starting to gain her confidence back. Waverly scowled at Nicole beating her again at this game they’d developed.

“If you weren’t holding all my files I’d push you into the street.”

Nicole gasped.

“Assaulting an officer?” She sucked her teeth, “My, my, not quite as innocent as everyone takes you for, Ms. Earp.”

Waverly’s fingers twitched and she wondered just what else Nicole had heard about her

  
\--

 

After Waverly had settled her boxes upstairs, she found Nicole Haught still at Shorty’s sitting at the bar.

“I thought I’d take my lunch break, while I was here.”

Waverly saw Gus motion for her to get behind the bar and start tending.  

“Well, I’m just about to start my shift, so can I get you anything, Officer?” She asked, tying an apron around her waist. Nicole took a breath; well, here was a shot.

“How about that coffee?” Waverly laughed, wiping down the countertop that Gus had left covered in peanut shells and ash.   

“You know, I think they sell better up the street. Five-O-Clock Brew?” Waverly pointed out their window before returning her eyes to Nicole.

She looked dead serious.

“Oh.” Waverly said, awkward.

“I don’t have an evening shift.” Nicole didn’t look desperate, there was just something sweet in her asking. Waverly almost realized for the first time that the officer must be genuinely interested in her, like this wasn’t some bet that someone had put her up to. Waverly’s heart fluttered and she looked down at her shoes.

“You always drink coffee at night?”

Nicole laughed and Waverly flipped the rag back over her shoulder.

“Maybe I’ve got an addiction.” Waverly nodded and didn’t answer “So?”

Waverly bit her lip.

“I’m not sure, my boyfriend...” Nicole’s hands went up.

“Just friends, Ms. Earp.”

Shit, this was gonna be harder than she thought. 

Waverly licked her lips.

“I’ll meet you by the station.”

Nicole lit up the dingy bar with her smile. 

“I get off at six.”

 

\--

 

Nicole Haught liked her coffee black apparently, while Waverly only liked drinks with four or five shots of sweetener added in. Nicole made a point to tease her about this while they were ordering

“What happened to the cappuccino?” Waverly asked, squinting in suspicion. Blood quickly filled Nicole’s cheeks.

“I got nervous.”

Waverly shook her head; who’d get nervous about her?

“So born in Texas, moved to Chicago and now stationed in Purgatory.” Nicole nodded, taking a deep sip from her cup.

“Never lived outside a city before.” Nicole was still dressed in her uniform which made everything feel stuffy and authoritative. “It's quite the change out here.”

“Well, I’ve never been very far outside Purgatory,” Waverly said, barely a touch of jealousy in her voice, “so you’ll have to tell me all about it.”

Nicole caught her tone and nodded, her eyes drilling into Waverly like nothing she’d ever felt before.

“I’ll take you.” Nicole’s hands were suddenly on her own, “I promise, some day.”

Waverly smiled weakly 

“Some day."

 

\--

 

The night felt young when Nicole asked her if she wanted a drink.

“We’ve been drinking this whole time, haven’t we?” Nicole rolled her eyes and Waverly noted how easy it was to tease Nicole. She may talk a big game but she fell apart like nothing in blowback.

“Not unless you were having irish coffee back there,” She stepped into Waverly’s personal space. “in which case I’m very mad at you for not sharing.” They were quite close to each other; Nicole’s lips captured Waverly’s eyes and demanded ransom; so bright and soft and coffee-flavored.

Nicole saw where Waverly’s gaze was locked and felt her breath grow short.

“I’d take a drink.” Waverly finally said, her voice croaking

  
\--

 

“Do you have siblings?”

They were situated on Nicole’s couch, a faux-satin mess of red and orange. It was beyond a doubt one of the ugliest things Waverly had ever seen. Nicole’s apartment was still covered in half empty boxes, she had been procrastinating all week about unpacking.

“Two sisters.” Nicole smiled, “I’m the oldest.”

Waverly snorted.

“You don’t have to tell me twice.” Nicole raised her eyebrows, and noticed Waverly fiddling with the label on her beer. She still seemed so nervous.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Nicole protested, faking hurt “I’m not _that_ bossy, am I?”

“No, no!” Waverly said, wanting to stab herself in the leg, “I just meant, you’re so confident and… well, reckless.” She smiled at the thought. “You remind me of Wynonna a bit.”

“She’s your eldest, huh? 

Waverly’s eyes flashed.

Oh fuck.

Nicole had forgotten, there was another one; a dead girl.

“Shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything." 

Waverly shook her hands, clearing the moment to silence. 

“It’s okay, Nicole.” Waverly smiled through the memory, “It was a long time ago. I wouldn’t blame you for not knowing.” Nicole couldn’t help but feel the corners of her mouth turn. Who was this blessed creature that she’d stumbled onto in a bar. She couldn’t possibly be real. 

“Forget it.” Waverly stood suddenly, walking towards her CD player; one thing that Nicole had immediately gotten out of storage. “I wanna know what you listen to, I bet you’ve got great taste.” 

“Oh yeah?” Nicole followed her, beer left behind. She’d barely taken more than a few sips but Waverly had drained her’s to the end. Maybe in an attempt to loosen up a little. “I’ll try not to disappoint.”

“Sweet Jesus.” Waverly said, her head buried in cases, “I’ve never seen so many Indigo Girls albums in one place.” She laughed putting out their most radio frequent cut and shimmied up closer to Nicole, dancing terribly to the drums and acoustic guitar.

“I have some non-lesbian music as well.” Waverly started giggling and Nicole followed, pretty soon they were both teary-eyed and Waverly’s mascara was dribbling on the top of her cheek. 

Lyrics drifted in and out of their focus. Waverly heard a few lines she recognized as she knocked her hips back and forth.

_And it’s true…_

Waverly felt Nicole’s fingers wipe her eyes, her skin heating up under the touch. She hoped Nicole didn’t notice how red she probably was in the dim lighting of the apartment.

_I’ll wait for you._

Of-fucking-course Nicole saw it.

Waverly finally looked into Nicole’s gaze and found herself pushed back. It was the same stare she’d felt in the coffeeshop; no filter; no barrier. Nicole was looking right through her.

Waverly started shaking at the thought,

how deep could she see?

Waverly wondered what Nicole would say if she knew. As far as she knew, Champ only put up with her because there was still a hole he could fuck.

If Nicole knew, this would all end.

“I should probably go.” Waverly stepped back, the spell broken. Nicole flashed disappointment across her face for a moment before running off to grab Waverly’s coat.

“Let me drive you home.”

Waverly shook her head but then nodded furiously.

  
\--

 

“What’s got you in a good mood?” Wynonna asked her later that night.

Waverly slammed what she was reading shut and looked up, eyes wide.

“Good book!” She stammered.

“Uh huh.” Wynonna nodded slowly, before turning back towards the kitchen.

Waverly smacked the cover against her head.

 

\--

 

“I don’t wanna spend the night at your creepy old murder house, okay?” Champ turned the truck back onto main street, pulling behind Shorty’s and running his fingers through his hair in the way that let Waverly know he was really frustrated. 

“It’s my _home_ , Champ.” Waverly was biting her nails again, a habit she probably picked up from Wynonna. It seemed to return every time she came home. “It’s not just some old haunted house. Wynonna’s not even there.” 

“What’s wrong with your apartment, huh?” He put it in park, turning to face Waverly more directly. “We’ve been staying there no-problem for a year now.” Waverly turned her head towards the window, Champ groaned and shut the car off. It was like she could feel revenants watching her, hidden in every building.

“It’s not safe out here.”

“Why? Wynonna’s nowhere near us!” Champ let out an ugly laugh and pushed his door open, Waverly rolled her eyes and followed.

 

\--

 

They were having sex again, Waverly felt like putting her mind on something tangible, something concrete like Champ. She was on her back and Champ was inside her, going ten thousand miles per hour. Her breathing was short but her eyes were locked on a growing crack where the roof meet her revenant wall.

This had used to be more fun, it wasn’t as fun as it was a year ago.

She remembered last fall, she was practically happy when they got to do something kinky and fast for no reason. It felt like a heightened version of her reality.

This kind of felt like… mush.

Champ was finishing, he pulled out of her and stripped the condom; Waverly’s stomach becoming adorned. Waverly faked some terrible orgasm which Champ bought completely. He walked off to get her a towel. She didn’t used to be so terrified of him giving her some kind of STD but with the rumors about him and half the prostitutes in and around the city, it couldn’t hurt to play it a little safe.

Waverly spoke up quietly a while later. They were both lying on the bed, Champ breathing heavy in sleep.

“Did you have sex with Claudia from school?” Champ rolled on his side and didn’t answer. “Hello?”

“I thought you said you didn’t care about that stuff.” Champ answered, his voice grumbly.

“What?” Waverly said, voice low and poisonous, “I said it was okay after you hooked up with Stephanie.” That incident, a year after they’d gotten out of school, took awhile to settle on both sides. Waverly remembered ignoring Chrissy’s advice and going back to Champ, lamely. “Not even okay , I just forgave you for it. Did you take that as clear range to fuck the rest of our friends.” Champ put her (green, favorite) pillow over his head and moaned.

“Christ, Waverly. Sorry a guy’s gonna want a real woman every now and then.”

Waverly’s arms started shaking bad like they did when she thought about her childhood. Champ didn’t notice and rolled back over, the bed trembling like a massage chair.

Waverly got up and steadied herself on her desk. It felt like everything she drank tonight was begging to bring her back to the ground.

“Waverly.” Champ said, barely engaged.

Somehow, determinant, the girl walked out of the apartment and called Wynonna.

  
\--

 

“So, why are you still with this jackass?” Wynonna was saving a punch for Champ Hardy’s mouth later; she may only have been back in town for a couple weeks but seeing Waverly like this, weepy in the backseat of Gus' jeep, tore her up.

Waverly didn’t respond, just kept wiping away hot tear after hot tear that dribbled down her face. 

She felt pathetic.

Wynonna swallowed and wished she had something to drink.

 

\--

 

It was childish but somehow Waverly found herself actively avoiding Nicole. Waverly had crossed the street more than once to get away from another tender moment that would make her reconsider what she’d already determined was impossible. It felt terrible to turn from the redhead for the third day in a row, but Waverly was too overwhelmed to find any other solution.

The two happened the bump into each other at Purgatory’s market that Thursday and Waverly wanted to hide behind the stacked jars of honey. This time there was nowhere to go and Nicole took immediate advantage of her opening.

“Maybe you can help me,” Nicole was already smirking as she walked towards Waverly. “My diet, it's too low on sugar. I’m looking for the sweetest product in this grocery store.” Waverly raised her eyebrows, “Although I might have just solved my own problem.”

“You’re losing your charm, Officer.” She responded, thoroughly unamused, but still flushed.

“Hasn’t failed me yet.”

Waverly bit her lip.

You could say that again.

 

\--

 

“It’s pathetic isnt it?” Waverly sat in the Black Badge office the next day, stirring a third sugar packet into her coffee. “How I keep going back to him?”

Wynonna shook her head. 

“You’re not pathetic...” She trailed off, not having much else to say.

Waverly gazed at the white flecks, bleeding into brown. She thought of Nicole's line from the day before and smiled.

Dolls entered abruptly, shutting everything else down.

 

\--

 

Waverly still felt unsure on her feet by that afternoon. Wynonna and Dolls were out on another mission and she was waiting around in the empty meeting room. Dolls assured her she didn’t need come everyday but there was something that pushed her to show up.

Maybe it’s that loneliness stuff?

Waverly swatted the thought away.

She could see Nicole through the wooden blinds of the office; the red of her hair shining like a beacon. Waverly considered saying hello, maybe bringing her coffee, black, how she liked it.

That would probably be a mistake.

Waverly looked at her hands. They felt disproportionate to the rest of her. In photos, she could nearly always be found with her hands tucked safely away in pockets or behind her back. She hoped no one noticed.

She wondered if Nicole did.

Waverly sighed and gathered up a pile of papers she’d been vaguely looking over. August Hamilton’s picture was not only starting to freak her out but since reading she’d started counting every mirror and reflective surface they had in this damn station.

She closed the file.

Best to go home, relax.

Of course that would mean she’d have to pass right through where Officer Haught was working; a dangerous idea lest she get caught up in another charming conversation. Part of Waverly desperately wanted that to happen, the other wondered why she was allowing any of this.

Her phone buzzed; it was Champ. She took a breath and steadied herself. Another pound of guilt to add to this whole situation. Was flirting cheating? Shit, why should she care; Champ had slept with half the girls in this town since they left high school.

She glanced down at the phone.

Something about being sorry, wanting to meet up tonight.

Waverly sniffed, she _did_  care, she couldn’t not care. After all, that’s why she’d stayed in Purgatory in the first place.

She fired back a yes and picked up her jacket.

 

\--

 

Nicole shook herself after nearly falling asleep again.

She’d had a tough night, mom called and again started talking her ear off about coming home. Nicole had to assure her once a week that _yes_ , she did like it in Purgatory and _no_ , she wasn’t coming home until next summer. That was the plan.

Talking to her mom always made her feel like drinking, unfortunately the badge didn’t lend itself to solo parties every weeknight.

Waverly Earp emerged from the back room, looking traumatized by something. Nicole felt a smile on her lips; this was just what she needed.

Nicole gave a wave as she walked down the hall. She was sure Waverly caught her eye but she kept moving, like there was a fire at the end of the hall and she was too shocked to do anything but run. Nicole’s smile faltered.

She’d had a lot of fun last week, Nicole sniffed, now she couldn’t look in Waverly’s direction without her scampering off like a scared bunny. The offices were empty, everyone else head home early for the weekend. Nicole couldn’t have been more alone.

Maybe she was wasting her time.

Waverly quickly reemerged from the doorway, moving fast towards Nicole, she looked near tears.

Maybe not.  

“Hi.”

“I’m sorry, I’m not meaning to… ignore you.”

Nicole shook her head, standing up.

“No, don’t worry about-”

“It’s just... I like you.” Waverly started stammering, “Like, I think you’re a really good person; you like alternative folk music; you make me laugh a lot; you look _great_ in that uniform; you’re smart and pretty and…” She creased her brow, “Where was I going with this?”

Nicole smirked, half amused, half concerned.

“You were ignoring me?”

“Right!” Waverly pointed a finger at Nicole, pressing up near the collar of her uniform. “But, I don't know if I can just… you’re making me feel these things that I’m not sure if I’m allowed to feel.”

Nicole grabbed Waverly’s outstretched hand, somehow tender even with her intensity.

Waverly swallowed.

“You’re allowed to feel anything you damn please, Waverly.”

Waverly shook her head, nervously looking for words.

“No, I mean; I mean, I’m not sure I can handle all of this. It’s all coming at me at 1,000 miles per hour.” She pushed the breath out of her lungs and Nicole let go of her hands. "And I'm scared, Nicole."

“I’m sorry.” Nicole said, eyes fierce and only slightly wet, “Waverly, I didn’t mean to-”

“No! No, please don’t apologize! You never have to apologize or anything. Just, um, give me some time okay?” Waverly pressed, stepping towards Nicole, matching their distance from the start of the conversation. “Please.”

Nicole forced a smile and nodded, which Waverly saw through.

“Sure.”

Her phone buzzed again, probably Champ.

Nicole’s eyes looked sickly and Waverly felt like turning and running away.

So she did.

 

\--

  
Champ loaded them both up in his truck. He had on a button down shirt and a pair of bootcut jeans. Waverly recognized them as his ‘I fucked up’ clothes. This was an apology date.

“You might wanna change.” He said, Waverly was still in her outfit from work, “We’re going someplace a little nicer for once. 

Waverly laughed.

“What, someplace that isn’t Shorty’s?” Champ grinned back.

“Just you wait.”

 

\--

 

The restaurant was actually really nice, almost to Waverly’s disappointment. She was on edge, waiting for Champ to screw up and ruin the night but he’d even gotten the door for her on their way in.

“Where do you get off, affording a place like this?” Waverly asked, teasing. The menu was shockingly pricey, sixty dollar entrees and all that. Waverly had seen the building from a distance a couple times, bouncing from club to club with Chrissy and Steph. They sometimes joked about sneaking in and trying to get into the kitchen, late night munchies and all.

Now that she was there, she figures they might’ve gotten life in jail if they’d tried it.

“Don’t worry about it. I have a little saved up.” Champ said, his eyes shining.

Their waitress came over and took their drink orders; Champ ordered some microbrew which was probably just a fancy label slapped on stout beer, Waverly stuck with water.

“Look, I’m really sorry about the other night.” Champ started, taking Waverly’s hand from across the table. “I just knew I had to make it up to you, somehow.”

Waverly already felt the words, ‘it’s okay’ on her tongue and bit them down. She wouldn’t be bought so easy by fancy dinner. 

“That’s why I wanted us to come here.” He continued, “It’s like, the perfect place for a _girl_ as smart and beautiful as you.” His emphasis was kind of strange, like he was reminding Waverly just how much of a girl he thought she was tonight.

Waverly smiled a half-smile.

“It means a lot, Champ, really.” She fleshed out the golden napkin on her lap. “This place is beautiful.”

Champ smiled not noticing the strain in Waverly’s voice or the hesitation in her eyes.

“But…” The words were coming out now, “You can’t keep saying stuff like that to me and just apologizing.” Her eyes were already brimming up with tears. “That’s not fair.”

Champ’s eyes narrowed.

“Stuff like what?" 

Oh.

He was apologizing for fucking Claudia Haroldson.

Not the comment that was stuck in Waverly's mind.

Waverly shook her head, not letting any fire slip from her lips, “Nothing, I just mean;” She took a breath, “There has to be some change, you have to try harder.”

Champ nodded rapidly.

“I will, I am.” He smiled broadly and reached into his pocket. “I’ll prove it to you.”

From the minute his hand reemerged, Waverly knew why Champ had taken her to this rich place; why she was in this ridiculously tight dress.

He slammed the box on the table like a trophy, unsettling the silverware.

“I love you, Waverly Earp.”

No no no.

He was lowering himself to the ground, eyes like stars, teeth shining so bright it made Waverly feel dizzy.

“And I wanna marry you, soon.” He flipped the box open. Sitting inside was some garish, opulent thing, studded with two or three jewels. As his hands shook, it caught the light of the candle and sent off mini-beacons on the tablecloth. “I wanna take you away from Purgatory, open a bar somewhere. You and me, against the world; like it’s always been.”

Waverly was frozen, her brain so unprepared. She looked all around them and of course, every patron in the dining room, every waiter, every busboy had their eyes on the two. Nothing like the expectations of everybody around you to get the pressure on.

She turned back to Champ who was still shining like the golden boy Curtis always thought he was.

Forcing her tongue to move, she finally worked up a

“No.”

Champ’s mouth opened a little.

“No.” She repeated, her head shaking in little circles, “No, I don’t wanna marry you, Champ.”

His hands lowered.

“Waverly-”

“What? Do you think all our problems are just gonna be solved by a slip of paper?” She was trying to whisper, trying to cap everything to their table. The other guests had noticed her rejection and some looked visibly disappointed in her. “You think everything will just, ‘poof!', solve itself with some court house marriage and me leaving the town I’ve lived in my entire life? Abandoning my sister? My life’s work? So I can... what?” She sucked in a breath, “Work in a _different_ shitty bar.”

Champ gritted his teeth.

“I thought this would make you happy.”

Waverly laughed and stood up.

“Well, that shows just how much you know about what I want, Champ Hardy.”

“Where are you going?”

Waverly was walking towards the door they came in, pushing past the waiter with their drinks. Champ followed quickly behind, grabbing her by the wrist.

“Stop! I need some air.” She exclaimed and pushed on the glass. The night had dipped into the twenties and Waverly realised she had left her jacket on her chair.

Well, no going back for it now.

“I know I fucked up,” Champ started, “but I’ve always been good to you!”

Waverly bit her lip and shook her head. 

“No, you weren’t.” She spit, “You just tricked me into thinking that for… Jesus, for seven years, Champ.” She looked up at the sky, people were scuttling by them, trying to avoid getting caught up in the fight. “For seven years, you acted like you were taking pity on me. Like it was amazing that you could still love me in spite of everything else.” Champ scratched at his head. “But that’s not fucking fair. At all.”

She steadied herself, now or never.

“We’re done, Champ.”

He paled.

“I mean it, _done_ .”

She turned to walk away, pulling up Uber on her phone. No way Waverly was driving back to Purgatory with Champ.

“I’ll tell everyone.”

Waverly’s stomach flipped.

“What?”

“I’ll tell everyone you care about.” His face was caught in some malevolent sneer. Waverly turned, breathing heavy.

“You wouldn’t.”

He smirked.

“What, so everyone can think you’re a faggot too?” She couldn't believe that Champ would just throw his reputation in the trash.

Champ walked towards her and Waverly was reminded of just how much stronger he was than she. She held her phone behind her back.

“I’m blowing this dust bowl town.” His voice was unrecognizable; thick and ugly. “When I’m in California, you think I’ll give a shit what Chrissy Nedley thinks of me? I’ll ruin your fucking life.”

“No.”

“Believe it,” Champ pulled her chin up, “or you could come with me?”

Waverly shook her head free, staring at the eyes that loved her for so long.

She pursed her lips together and spit in his face.

“Fuck off.”

And in her tight dress, Waverly Earp turned and left Champ where he was standing, reservation for two still inside.

 

\--

 

By the time her Uber had shown up, she was already crying.

Her driver, a sweet Turkish man who’d immigrated two years prior, offered to drive through McDonald’s which Waverly glibly accepted.

It tasted much better than any meal Champ could’ve bought her tonight.

 

\--

 

He left town two days later.

Waverly shuffled around the homestead and wondered if he kept his promise. Doc didn’t seem to treat her any different when he came by, looking for Wynonna.

That didn’t stop the gnawing in her stomach or the pounding in her head, she felt permanently hungover. Waverly knew she’d have to show up to work again soon. Gus may have given her a few days to feel better, like she wasn’t the one who’d ended things, but she couldn’t wallow at home forever.

It sure felt like she could though.

 

\--

 

Gus let her open, promising a slow night for her to get her sailor legs back. The bar stayed empty past ten, apparently no one in Purgatory wanted a drink that Tuesday evening.

Chrissy walked through the door with such a sudden force that Waverly let out a small scream, slapping her hand over her mouth immediately afterwards. She came towards Waverly, burdened and strange.

“Chrissy!” Waverly offered weakly, “You here for a drink?”

“You lied to me.”

Waverly’s hands were already shaking bad. Her eyes scanned into Chrissy’s but it was like she was behind a layer of textured glass; everything foggy and unreadable. She may have been crying earlier, her eyes were red and her cheeks looked scratched at. Chrissy Nedley was always the one to keep her feelings tucked away, now they were presenting themselves all at once.

“What… what are you talking about?” Waverly was a terrible actress and Chrissy saw right through her. Waverly knew exactly what she had come to say.

“I saw Champ yesterday.” She spat, “He left me a going-away present.” Waverly turned away walking to the other end of the bar. Chrissy followed her, not easily shaken. “I wonder if you can guess what it was?”

She was shouting now.

“Listen, I have to close soon. Let’s do this somewhere else, please?” Waverly gripped at the bar, stabilizing herself.

Chrissy laughed.

“I don’t want to see you again.”

Waverly felt the first tear drip down her cheek; her best friend.

“You lied to me for seven years.” Chrissy said again, “You were gonna be one of Stephie’s bridesmaids .”

“Who says I can’t still be?” Waverly answered, keeping her voice down.

“She will.”

Any color left in Waverly’s face drained out of her.

“Steph knows.” She repeated, like she didn’t need any confirmation.

“Half the town’ll know before she’s done.”

“Chrissy, you have to _stop_ her.” Waverly grabbed her best friend’s shoulder, “You don’t know what they’ll do to me!"

Chrissy shook her hand loose easily, brushing herself off.

“Just goes to show,” She said, distaste baked into her words, “Never trust an Earp.”

Chrissy walked out and Waverly stood shaking in her shoes.

 

\--

 

Her first instinct was to call Wynonna but she ended up pressing Nicole’s contact.

“Waverly?”

“Can you come to the bar?” She choked out, a bottle that used to be full of Jack sat in front of her. She hadn’t felt any better from one sip to the end.

“I’ll be there in five.”

 

\--

 

She actually came in three minutes and forty-five seconds, much to Waverly’s relief.

Nicole Haught was wearing a thick pair of flannel sweatpants and her big winter coat. She moved towards Waverly and slipped behind the bar. Before she knew it, Waverly felt herself wrapped up in the warmth of the distressed wool and took her first breath since Chrissy had walked through her doors an hour earlier.

Nicole smelled like vanilla with a hint of dish-cleaning soap. She wondered if Nicole had been listening to music and washing dishes when she got her call, extracting one of her CD’s from the box Waverly had gone through just a couple of weeks earlier.

“Did Champ come back?”

“What?” Waverly was shaken out of her thoughts. “Oh no, no, no.”

“Oh.” Nicole turned her nose up, “I was hoping to give him a piece of my mind. Son of a bitch left town before I could let him know my true feelings.”

Waverly tried laughing and it felt good.

“I don’t think they were ever that hidden.”

Nicole made her laugh easier than anyone she’d ever met. She grinned and shrugged.

“Maybe so.”

The glow faded quickly and Waverly remembered the reason they were both here in the middle of the night.

“I… I need to tell you something.”

Nicole smiled at her.

“Anything.”

Waverly swallowed and rubbed her palm on the sides of jeans.

“My best friend from high school just came over.” She was already rambling, “Chrissy Nedley, your bosses daughter.”

“Uh huh, pretty blonde lady?” Nicole nodded.

Waverly wrinkled her nose indignantly.

“Hey!”

Nicole sighed.

“Not nearly as pretty as you.”

Waverly smiled again. It felt near impossible to deliver bad news to this woman.

“She, well, Champ told her some things about me before he left.” She took a breath, “He told a lot of other people in town.”

Nicole frowned.

“Waverly.”

“And- and I want you to hear this from me before you hear it from anyone else okay?” Her tears were back. Before they even made it down the side of her face, Nicole’s fingers were rubbing across her cheeks, wiping them clean. “I just don’t want you to think of me any different.”

“Waverly,” Nicole rubbed her shoulders, “nothing could make me think any less of you, I know that."

“You don’t know me though. Not entirely.” Waverly insisted, wanting Nicole to take her seriously. She’d only told four people in her entire life and her success rate was a tentative twenty-five percent. And that twenty-five was now dead and buried.

Nicole stood up straight.

“I know you love history, specifically North American mythology and stuff, ancient runes, dead languages. You drink coffee and alcohol with a revolting amount of sugar. You’re 5’4. You’re a whiz at trivia, though that should hardly be surprising. Oh, you were your class’ valedictorian- Nedley told me that. And I know for a fact that you are the most beautiful woman I’ve met, in Purgatory and anywhere else.”

Waverly’s mouth sat open, trying to figure out how a person like Nicole Haught existed in a town with so much death and bad luck. It felt inconceivable.

“I-”

Say it.

“I’m transgender.” The words slipped out so quick Nicole almost missed them. Her face went neutral for a moment, then she opened up like a flower.

“Waverly,” Her face golden, “I’m so glad you told me.”

Waverly creased her brow.

“Glad?” She stammered out, “No one’s ever glad.”

Nicole’s smile just got wider as she pulled Waverly back into a hug, that incredible smell running through her body again.

“I am.” Her voice was so thick with joy it sounded like she might cry. Waverly remembered Gus crying nearly eight years ago but for vastly different reasons.

Waverly pulled back.

“Are you real?”

Nicole laughed again.

“Real as hell.”

 

\--

 

They were on Waverly’s couch at the homestead; or better, Nicole was in the armchair and Waverly was on the couch.

“I’m scared.” Waverly admitted. “I read the news, you know. Plenty of girls like me get killed and stuff, just walking down the street or on a date or anything else.”

Nicole sat up, suddenly serious.

“I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

Waverly sniffed and looked towards the officer, her hair poofing up in back and her eyes sleepy. It must be near one AM.

“You’re not always with me.”

Nicole nodded.

“I could be.”

Waverly leaned back into the cushions, a lovely light flower pattern covering the fabric.

“My couch is prettier than yours.” She said, changing the subject. Nicole laughed.

“It’s not a hard contest to win if you’re competing against my piece of crap.” She rubbed her eyes. “My mom sent it when I first moved out, I haven’t had the energy to get a new one.”

“Didn’t you move out six years ago?” Nicole shrugged and leaned back again. Waverly cleared her throat.

“Can you stay with me, just for now?”

Nicole’s eyes lit up like it wasn’t the middle of the night.

Her body shuffled over and fit in perfectly with Waverly’s, Nicole’s lap becoming a lovely pillow that she could pass out on. It had been a long couple of days. Waverly remembered Nicole’s fingers running over and through her hair and pretty soon she was purring. Nicole smiled and as Waverly fell from consciousness she turned her mind to Chrissy Nedley and Champ Hardy, her dreams were dark and bloody.

 

\--

 

The next morning was cold and drizzly. Nicole had work and Waverly made four eggs as a thank you. Nicole was sitting in her kitchen in her pajamas from last night, looking positively adorable. Waverly offered some of her own wardrobe but it didn’t take long for Nicole to figure out that those wouldn’t exactly fit.

“I’m like a foot taller than you." 

Waverly grumbled and put her clothes back on the wire; there was certainly a part of her who would have loved to see Nicole Haught in her clothes.

 

\--

 

Nicole came back that evening, Wynonna eyed them both as she walked in the door and Waverly wrapped her immediately into a tight hug.

“Huh.”

Nicole jumped.

“Didn’t see you Wynonna.”

“Yeah, you seemed pretty focused on something else.”

Nicole turned bright red.

Waverly was gonna kill her later.

 

\--

 

Waverly offered a tour of her room.

“I never show these to anyone.” She said, holding out an album of old photos. “Obviously.”

Nicole took the book curiously.

“My dad wasn’t much for taking photos,” Waverly started, “but my mom was obsessed.” Nicole opened and looked through the first couple of pages. These centered just Wynonna and who must be Willa. “That’s what I like to imagine she’s doing; off somewhere taking photos and submitting them to small town periodicals. I wouldn’t want her to be _too_ successful.”

Nicole turned the page and saw a face she recognized. A third child, eyes still closed.  

“Cute kid.” She smirked, “God, you were adorable back then.”

“Back then huh?” Waverly sat down next to Nicole on the bed. The warm light from her desk lamp made the whole room glow a faint orange. Nicole looked up at Waverly.

“I wouldn’t exactly call you adorable anymore.” She said, their eyes locking, “Other words maybe.”

Waverly’s throat went dry.

“Look at your pictures.”

 

\--

 

The three had dinner. Waverly made mac and cheese, chopping some store bought rotisserie chicken in and sprinkling breadcrumbs on top.

Wynonna was making fun of Dolls loudly, Nicole’s feet kept finding Waverly’s under the table.

She was like a lovesick teenager and Waverly played back vigorously.

“I’m convinced he’s a robot, wouldn’t be stranger than anything else we have to deal with in Purgatory.”

Waverly glanced over at Nicole, forkful of pasta near her mouth. Nicole had breadcrumbs sprinkled in the corner of her lip. Waverly smiled, she looked adorable.

Before she knew what she was doing, Waverly reached over and brushed the mess away with the face of her thumb. Nicole froze and turned to Waverly, her eyes wide. Her fingers felt so soft.

Waverly reddened.

“Thanks.” Nicole said slowly.

Wynonna watched the whole exchange incredulously, nursing her bottle.

Nicole recovered quickly.

“I guess I’d know what you mean if Black Badge actually let us look at the cases you’re working on.” Wynonna shrugged and Waverly felt guilty. She did hate lying to Nicole; revenants almost felt like small fries compared to everything else the officer knew.

“His call, not mine.”

 

\--

 

The change was immediate. Waverly couldn’t walk down a street in Purgatory without everyone staring at her like she had two heads. She felt like it was first day of freshman year all over again; that is, terrible.

She walked through the doors of the police station and immediately all eyes were on her. Even Nedley seemed startled by her appearance. Waverly stared at the ground and walked towards their offices, trying so hard not to give up any emotion, not to confirm or deny anything.

As she closed the doors behind her, she rubbed her eyes and sank to the floor, blubbering; every nightmare she had revealing itself in one week. She wondered if Gus had heard anything, if she’d had to lie to her oldest friends. Waverly felt like vomiting.  

Dolls cleared his throat.

Waverly’s eyes shot open. He, Wynonna and Doc were all in the room, Dolls going over some plan. She stood, apologizing softly and shuffling to her seat.

“Ms. Earp?” Doc held out a cloth tissue. Waverly returned a half-smile and grabbed it, rubbing her face clean and probably distorting her makeup attempts from this morning. She’d found she was shaking too bad to even try for the most part. Wynonna was staring at her sadly.

Waverly hadn’t know what to expect from Doc of all people, he probably hadn’t understood if he had heard. Or maybe he respected Waverly too much to believe random rumors from people who now hated her, even if they were true.

 

\--

 

Nicole found her in the station bathroom an hour later, crying her eyes out.

“Waverly…” Nicole had nothing else to say.

“They all know.” Her words were dribbling out of her mouth. “I can feel it. Everyone’s looking at me like I have the plague.” She wiped her nose on her sleeve. “I’ve stayed at Nedley’s house like, a hundred times since starting high school and now I don’t even know if he’d shake hands with me.”

“Did you ever have anyone you could talk to?” Nicole asked gently, placing a hand on Waverly’s side. “A therapist… anyone?”

Waverly laughed meanly.

“Yeah, of course! Let me just get my reference book with the hundreds of gender therapists living in Purgatory.”

Nicole stepped back, Waverly missed the contact immediately.

“I _am_ trying to help.”

“I know, I’m sorry, Nicole.” She said, drawing herself closer to the taller woman, “I just… I don’t know what to do.”

Nicole’s eyes forgave her, she took Waverly’s hand.

“The first time I told Wynonna, it was right before she left again.” Waverly started, not knowing where she was headed with the story. “She told me something like, ‘Good luck’ and walked out.”

Nicole squeezed her fingers.

“That’s awful.”

“Champ took a full week to stop avoiding me after I told him. It felt like I was diseased.” She rambled on, “Chrissy, well, you saw what happened with Chrissy.” She turned to face Nicole head on, tears threatening to return. Nicole’s eyes were glossy as well. Now, it was Waverly’s turn to stare right through her.

“When did you figure out you were gay?”

Nicole smiled.

“My junior year of high school. I was dating my best friend, a dude, and he wanted us to… well,” Nicole made a few hand motions that Waverly assumed were supposed to signal ‘sex’. “It was fine, it wasn’t terrible.” She shrugged, “But I didn’t feel anything, no great force shifting my life into balance, no romantic inclinations towards marriage or anything.”

Waverly got a little pale.

“It felt… like a chore.” Nicole continued, “The next week I broke up with him, and only then...” She paused for dramatic effect, “...was it obvious that I was completely in love with his sister.”

Waverly laughed, running a hand through her disheveled hair.

“Tough.”

Nicole smirked, taking a step closer.

“Your first kiss?” Waverly asked.

“Not until college.” Nicole answered, “There weren’t too many beautiful Texan women trying to get with the tall, gangly, ginger kid.”

Waverly gasped.

“Lies, I bet you were a hotshot in school.”

“College maybe.”

Waverly giggled, a line stuck in her mind.

“What?”

“A real _haught_ shot, right?”

Nicole rolled her eyes.

“Smartest girl for 100 miles in every direction and she thinks I haven’t heard that one before?”

They both laughed, and Waverly blushed. As the fuel died down, Waverly was caught on her train of thought from earlier.

“You’re the only one I’ve ever who told who stood by me right away.” She admitted, toying with a button on Nicole’s uniform. “Even Gus was too scared at first to do anything but cry.” She sighed, head heavy with thoughts. She couldn’t lie and say that fear wasn’t still burning inside her, that Nicole wouldn’t just up and run the first chance she got.

“You’re worth standing by, Waverly Earp.”

Waverly looked back up; Nicole’s eyes were full.

She felt a tremor in her lips and time seemed to slow. Before she barely knew what was happening, she was on her tiptoes, standing as tall as her boots would let her.

Her lips brushed Nicole’s for a fraction of a second and she landed back on her heels.

Both women stood staring at each other, dumbfounded.

Waverly licked her lips and went up again; this time Nicole caught her, her hands cradling the back of Waverly’s head and wrapping around her waist. Waverly’s own fingers tangled around Nicole’s jaw, holding her lips steady enough to taste.

Nicole tasted like coffee, just as Waverly had suspected.

Her lips were hot and chapped, pushing onto Waverly with a delicacy and power that Champ had never been able to balance. Nicole spun them and now Waverly was up against the tiled wall, hands lilting around Nicole’s neck. She deepened the kiss without thinking about it; Waverly’s tongue slipping inside Nicole in a way that brought out soft moans between impacts. Waverly’s hands were shaking a little, but for maybe the first time, not in a bad way.

Nicole’s tongue left her mind empty and running at the same time; her kisses gentle and controled simultaneously. All Waverly could think about was how she’d never been so turned on in her life and her tuck was gonna need a major fix before she was ready to enter the world again.

Suddenly, she felt hands grabbing at the backs of her thighs and Waverly was in the air. Nicole brought her to the sink countertop and set her down like an idol. Waverly wrapped her legs around Nicole’s waist, grinding her arousal out against her belt. Nicole let out a louder sound and Waverly’s eyes dashed towards the door, knowing that a public bathroom was up there on the list of ‘Terrible Places to Kiss Your Crush’.

Nicole noticed her hesitation and pulled back for a second, breathless.

“Is this okay?”

Waverly looked into her eyes like she couldn't believe them.

“Nicole,” She said, terribly lonely, “kiss me again.”

She didn’t have to tell her twice.

Her new favorite pair of lips returned to her, kissing her jawline and finding sending breath down her ear and neck. Waverly let out a squeak that made her blush and Nicole grin, figuring she'd discovered a particularly sensitive patch of skin.

“May I?”

Waverly must have nodded because Nicole’s lips were very very attached to her neck and leaving a pretty red mark on the side. Waverly was babbling, little phrases escaping her lips.

“Nicole, Nicole… _Fuck_! Nicole!” She latched onto her shoulders.

The officer reappeared, eyes drowsy with arousal and Waverly found those lips again easy.

“What were they teaching you at that academy?” She said between kisses and Nicole laughed into her mouth.

“It helps that you’re so kissable.” She smiled

Their gap closed briefly before the door slammed open. The two split apart, Nicole slamming her hands under the nearest sink and Waverly gripping down on the underside of the countertop.

Doc stood in the doorway, peering at the two women with disgruntled confusion.

“It does appear that these are not the men’s necessities.” His eyes were narrow, Nicole and Waverly both bright red and strange.

The water wasn’t even running in Nicole’s sink.

“My apologies, ladies. Please, carry on with… whatever it was you were doing.” Doc cleared the scene with the door falling shut on it’s own.

Waverly looked at Nicole, still hot in the face and her choice of the tight high-waisted jeans this morning punishing her terribly. She wiggled around, trying to stop anything from coming too loose.

“Can you forgive me for kissing you in a public bathroom?”

Nicole barked out a laugh and moved over to Waverly, scooting herself back into place between her legs.

“Only if you forgive me for that monstrous hickey on your neck.”

Waverly turned to the mirror and gasped. It was undeniably large, Nicole giggled.

“You bitch." 

“Funny,” She said, wrapping her arms around Waverly’s waist, “you didn’t seem to have a problem at the time.”

Waverly scowled.

“You distracted me.”

“Mm-hmm.”

 

\--

 

They didn’t see each other at all the next day, Waverly had taken double shifts at Shorty’s to make up for her lost time. Nicole tried to swing by twice but Nedley had confined her to some very annoying desk duty after submitting her report on some of the more mysterious qualities of Purgatory's crime life.

Normally, Waverly liked throwing herself into several hours of waitressing. Her ‘smile and wave’ was a comfortable persona, especially when she had a lot on her mind.

However, most of her regulars steered clear the whole day and those who did show up, didn’t stay long. Waverly bit her lip, desperately avoiding the obvious reason why.

 

\--

 

“Come with me someplace?”

Nicole was outside the homestead, leaning on the chevy in her jacket. There was deep snow in Purgatory and Waverly knew the sky had wrapped itself in gray and the sun might not reappear til April.

Underneath, Nicole had on a handsome flannel shirt and tight jeans. Waverly could see the red poking out from her collar and she smiled.

“Am I allowed to know where we’re going?”

Nicole shook her head and Waverly stepped off the porch, snowflakes tickling the top of her head. She approached Nicole shyly; it had been few weeks since their rapture in the station bathroom and while they’d had moments in Nicole’s cruiser and up in Waverly’s bedroom while Wynonna was out drinking God knows where; there hadn’t been what Waverly would call a date. Wynonna and Dolls were off infiltrating some Revenant cult; Doc had left town for good; and Gus had sold Shorty’s to Bobo. There was so little room for alone time.

“Then how will I know what to wear?”

Waverly was inches from Nicole’s lips.

Nicole let out a short breath.

“Something pretty, but not too formal.”

Waverly nodded.

“Will you give me a minute?”

 

\--

 

Waverly chose a lacy crop-top and a dark pair of jeans, matching the color of the sky. Nicole let out a low whistle as she reemerged from the front door. Waverly blushed and sauntered her way over to Nicole; grabbing hold of the collar on her flannel; pretending to adjust things.

“Not so bad yourself." 

They connected and Waverly felt the world grow a few degrees warmer.

“You need some chapstick.” Nicole muttered and Waverly laughed, slapping her on the arm.

“It’d be better if there wasn’t always someone kissin’ me dry.”

Nicole nodded, nothing to say.

 

\--

 

“I’m not sure.”

Waverly was so still in front of the bar, Nicole was afraid she’d broken her. Her fingers were trembling and while that might have been a result of the cold, Nicole knew well enough Waverly’s fears came along with shaking hands.

“I don’t wanna take you anywhere you don’t wanna go,” Nicole started, placing her hands in Waverly’s, slowing them down. “but I think this could be good for you.”

The sign was inconspicuous enough; simply reading “Rosie’s” in bright red letters.

“I do want to.”

Nicole grinned.

“Do you trust me?” 

Waverly nodded without hesitation.

“I’ll stay with you the whole night if you want.”

 

\--

 

The building was flooded with unstable lights flashing on and off; women of all types dancing and drinking and laughing and kissing. It was a relatively calm night because of the snow but it didn’t appear so to Waverly, whose eyes took everything in and gripped Nicole’s hand tight, trying to be cool.

“Want something to drink?”

Waverly nodded, following Nicole to the bar. Nicole ordered something fruity for Waverly and something more bitter for herself. It made Waverly smile the way Nicole seemed to know what Waverly wanted before she asked for it. On asking if she recognized anybody, Nicole rolled her eyes.

“Not all lesbians know each other, Waverly.”

Waverly sputtered.

“You’re the one who’s telling me to get more _involved_ with the _community_.” Her fingers wiggling on the keywords, Nicole laughed.

“You’re right, you’re right.”

Once they were both drinking, Waverly loosened, putting her party-girl hat on. She was actually great at these types of clubs and did it really matter if it was full of lesbians or not? Hell, Waverly was very attracted to Nicole which probably meant she could be attracted to other ladies which meant she’d fit right in. Waverly swallowed, she hoped so anyways.

“Feel nice to be on the other side of a bar top?” Nicole asked, finishing her drink.

Waverly shook her head.

“I miss it actually.” Nicole nodded, “Fucking Bobo.”

“Well, it does mean that I don’t have to watch you flirt with half the guys in town.” She teased and Waverly shrugged, tipsy and grinning.

“If you wanna supply my tips, that’s fine by me.” Nicole grabbed her waist, pulling their bodies together. 

“Anytime, babe.”

Waverly felt like kissing Nicole right there and ending the night before it got started, but she had seen in her eyes earlier that Nicole really wanted her to like this place. She wanted Waverly to have a great time.

“Let’s dance.” Waverly grabbed Nicole’s hand.

“You don’t want to get drunk first?” Nicole asked.

“I wanna remember this.” Waverly said, eyes reflecting the orange glow of the bar lights.

Nicole followed her onto the floor; bodies everywhere; music so loud she felt like bursting. She didn’t recognize the song but it wasn’t like Nicole paid much attention to the top 40 hits. Waverly was already moving, hips twisting and arms flexing. She was a great dancer, Nicole noted, suddenly nervous; it wasn’t like Nicole had ever been a master. Sure, she could muddle her way through a few songs, but that was preferably when she was too drunk to care anymore. Waverly grabbed her hands and put them on her hips. Nicole took the cue and pulled her close.

Forget about looking ridiculous and just dance with your beautiful girlfriend (?), idiot!

Waverly saw Nicole’s concern and laid a thick kiss on her lips.

“You’re pretty when you’re nervous.”

Nicole laughed and Waverly pumped into high gear as the beat of the song got heavier. The lights colored Waverly’s hair, wild and curly, and as she moved it spun, creating a foot wide radius around them. Nicole kept up and Waverly made sure to keep their eyes and hands connected. Waverly, feeling brave, reached behind Nicole’s waist, grabbing her ass and pulling her in.

Nicole’s eyes widened and she let out a noise Waverly was sure she hadn’t heard before.

“Oh, excuse me, ma’am.” Waverly faked, smirking.

Nicole just bit her lip and kept dancing; trying not to let the way Waverly’s body was moving affect her. The task, however, was far easier said than done.

 

\--

 

After a few more drinks and a few more songs, Nicole couldn’t help herself. She grabbed Waverly by the arm and pulled her aside, slamming through the door of the bathroom. They gasped into each other, bodies pressed so tight Nicole felt she might explode from the pressure; like a soda bottle shaken too hard, too fast.

“What is it with us and bathrooms, huh?” Waverly muttered, pressing kisses down Nicole’s neck and drinking in the way her breath sharpened with every one.

“You’re terrible.” Nicole caught their lips back together and Waverly felt her back hit a wall.

A clearing of someone’s throat froze them both.

“This is a _restroom_ , ladies.” Some voice came from within a stall.

Nicole burst out laughing and Waverly giggled into her chest. 

“Your place free?” Waverly asked without looking up.

“Just the cat.”

“Take me home.” She grinned mischievously and Nicole turned back towards the stall.

“Sorry!" 

The two cracked up again as the dashed out into the dark, bodies linked.

 

\--

 

They could barely get through the door; interlocked and unwilling to let go. Waverly felt Nicole’s hands everywhere at once and couldn’t stop saying her name like it might bring release.

The two hadn’t gone much farther than they did that first morning in the station; Nedley or Wynonna always interrupting with a phone call. But Waverly, like a prophet, knew something more was going to happen tonight.

“You feel so good.” Waverly couldn’t stop talking, recording every detail until Nicole put her lips on her own. They were pressed up against the doorway. Waverly noticed how clean everything was, all the boxes finally squared off. She pulled away, running her fingers over Nicole’s jaw.

“The place looks nice.” Nicole looked at her like she was crazy. “Show me the bedroom?”

She didn’t need to be told twice.

They floated in; Jane jumping off the bed and running out of the room. Waverly got on top of the covers fast before turning and finding Nicole staring at her, still a few feet away. She made a motion to draw her closer.

“You are so beautiful.” Nicole finally said, walking towards Waverly slow as not to miss anything. Waverly pulled herself up enough to reach her lips and they descended onto each other. She was wearing some kind of sweet tasting chapstick, Nicole noted, which barely masked the taste of alcohol and sweat.

“Too many clothes.” Waverly muttered, Nicole agreed and pulled off her shirt. “Wait.”

Nicole slowed and Waverly got closer, kissing her collarbones and tugging each strap of her bra down. Nicole was covered in goosebumps, pale flesh shivering under Waverly’s touch. Waverly slipped her hands under the cups of her (very cute) bra and Nicole let out a gasp.

“Cold.”

Waverly rolled her nipples between her thumb and pointer finger, enjoying every noise and curse escaping Nicole’s lips. When the sensation stopped, Nicole briefly whined before feeling Waverly undoing the hook on her back. The bra fell off and Waverly turned Nicole around, laying her flat.

Waverly took one into her mouth, running her nails up and down the expanse of Nicole’s stomach. Nicole’s fingers were immediately in her hair, tangled across her skull.

“Waverly…”

She switched sides and Nicole started all over again, panting and stretching like she might fall apart right there. Waverly kept in mind something she’d read while ‘researching’; about how apparently one in ten women could orgasm just from nipple play; it seemed Nicole might fall into that percentile.

Removing her mouth with a satisfying pop, Waverly returned her lips to Nicole, wetter than before. Nicole’s hands were making their way up her waist, pulling the top over her head. Waverly relented and felt her bra come off just as easy.

Nicole flipped them, loving the feeling of being on top of Waverly, and pressed their chests together. Waverly moaned, still surprised at just how easy it was for Nicole to get a response from her. She rubbed herself on Waverly’s torso, the wetness of her nipples making Waverly twist.

“Now you’re too dressed.” Nicole whispered, rubbing Waverly through her jeans.

Waverly swallowed.

“I…” She started, slowing them down, “You don’t have do this.”

Nicole stopped, staring.

“What?”

“I mean,” Waverly sighed, pushing hair off her now sweaty forehead. “you don’t have to do anything. I get it, there’s always exceptions and you’ve been _really_ , really good, but…” She trailed off again. “I know you don’t want this.”

Nicole’s mouth hung open.

“Well, clearly you don’t know me as well as you think you do.”

Waverly turned her head. 

“Nicole?”

“Waverly, does any part of me look like I don’t want this?” Waverly looked her up and down; her nipples hard; her pupils dilated, breath heavy. “Now, I won’t do anything you don’t want me to,” Waverly's eyes lit, always so chivalrous. “but that doesn’t mean I’ll let you stop me for no good reason.”

Nicole pushed Waverly gently back down on the bed, climbing over her.

“I want you, Waverly.”

Waverly shook her head.

“I just don’t want you to feel any pressure to-”

Nicole silenced her, her lips flushed with heat.

“I’ll let you know if I start feeling any _pressure_ .”

Nicole reached down and pulled at Waverly’s jeans, cursing as she struggled to get them down. Waverly laughed and tried to help.

“I thought I liked these jeans earlier but now I hate them.”

Nicole grinned as she finally got them off, tossing them unceremoniously across the room.

“Perfect.”

Nicole turned her gaze back to Waverly, naked except for a messy tuck and underwear. She started smiling so bright that Waverly felt embarrassed.

“Don’t look at me like that.” Waverly said, Nicole’s smile didn’t fade as she snuck back up between her legs, leaving kisses and small marks trailing up her thighs.

“No.” 

She reached back up for another kiss before pulling Waverly’s underwear down. She whimpered. Nicole wrapped her hand around Waverly’s sex, trailing her length with her nails.

“Is this okay?”

Waverly twitched and nodded.

Nicole grinned and went up to kiss Waverly again.

“If you ever want me to stop,” Nicole’s eyes were serious but her fingers were still working, “just tell me, okay baby?” Waverly nodded, finally allowing herself a moan as Nicole returned to her thigh. She got a firm grip, pumping back and forth and Waverly’s eyes rolled back, attaching her hands to Nicole’s head.

“Fuck.” Waverly hissed as Nicole took her inside her mouth, trailing her up and down. Champ hadn’t gone down on her once, as if it was admitting defeat, but Waverly couldn’t care to give a shit thinking about how he would have _paled_ in comparison to whatever Nicole was doing with her tongue. Waverly started saying any words that came to her head, feeling her hips thrust and buck naturally. There was so much sensation she'd never felt before; Nicole running her tongue up and down her length like they'd done this a thousand times. It all felt very new to Waverly.

Nicole came up to breathe, wrapping the same long fingers around her again with an added slickness, smiling.

“What was that about pressure?”

“Smartass.” Waverly said, breathless.

Nicole winked and went back down, making Waverly shake all over again. She was already close with Nicole running her nails over her thighs and working her so terribly.

Nicole, inexperienced, was going with her gut, doing what felt right and from her perspective; it seemed to be working. Waverly’s squirming made her feel like nothing else and she could feel her own arousal pooling in her underwear.  

“Nicole…” Waverly’s grip tightened around her head. “Oh God, Nicole!”

She came suddenly and collapsed back, breathing heavy and naked on Nicole’s sheets.

Nicole wiped her mouth and climbed up to kiss Waverly slow, cooling her down and still running her hands over her chest.

Waverly tasted herself on Nicole’s tongue and took her bottom lip between her teeth.

“You’re too good at that.” Waverly said, eyes shooting off sparks.

Nicole smiled.

“Good to know.”

Waverly turned, their bodies pressing hard against each other.

“Take these off.” She gestured to Nicole’s jeans.

“You sure?” Nicole asked; Waverly kissed her in response, wrapping her arms around Nicole’s back .

“I want to taste you.”

Nicole felt like she might pass out.

“Okay.” She whispered.

Nicole’s pants came off with relative ease and Waverly found herself between her legs, only a wet and ruined pair of underwear separating her from what she wanted. She kissed a sensitive part of Nicole’s thigh before taking some skin between her teeth, sucking and leaving a pretty mark that no one would know about except her and Nicole; a perfect secret.

“Waverly.” Nicole was splayed out, breathing heavy and twitching beneath her touch.

Waverly smiled and trailed her fingers around the band of the lacy thing Nicole was wearing.

“I read some guides…” Waverly said, suddenly nervous, making figure-eights in the skin above Nicole’s center, “Online, I mean, but I know you’ve probably done this loads of times and I don’t know if I’ll-”

“Waverly!” Nicole choked out, “Let’s talk about this later?” Waverly looked up and saw just how desperate Nicole was, her eyes wide and face pale.

She bit her lip, full bodied; no distractions.

She pushed her fingers underneath the thong, feeling just how wet Nicole was. Her finger slid easily through her folds and Waverly smirked, knowing she’d done this.

Nicole jerked under her hand.

“Baby, please.”

Waverly pulled the underwear down suddenly and without flourish; they were totally naked and present with each other. Waverly’s fingers found Nicole’s clit and rubbed in gentle circles while placing her tongue flatly on Nicole’s center.

Nicole moaned, her hands tangled in Waverly’s hair.  

Waverly’s strokes quickly focused in more, running deeper inside Nicole who twisted and sprung with every move Waverly made. Her taste ran down Waverly’s lips, something sweet and acidic. Waverly grabbed Nicole's thighs, holding her tightly in place while rubbing her thumb over the trail of hickeys that were just beginning to blossom; red and visceral.

Waverly’s hands pulled away and just as quickly supplied a finger inside Nicole, building up another rhythm.

“More.”

Waverly inserted another finger, quickening her pace as she felt Nicole’s legs tighten around her.  She got in a third before Nicole crumpled. Her orgasm was long, building up and crashing down as Nicole let out a series of noises, low and guttural. When she finished, she lay back, breathing heavy while Waverly sat between her legs, sucking her fingers clean.

Nicole licked her lips.

“We made a mess.”

Waverly smiled back at her.

“The best kind of mess.”

 

\--

 

The call came around one, shaking Waverly from Nicole’s long and lovely arms

“God, who is it?” Nicole mumbled, her eyes still closed.

Waverly looked at her buzzing phone and answered, squinting in the brightness.

“Wynonna, do you know what goddamn time it is?”

“You need to come to the station.”

Waverly pulled herself up slowly.

“Why? What do you mean?”

Waverly heard a long sigh, crackled by the bad reception in Nicole’s building. 

“It’s Willa.”

 

\--

 

The lobby was full of strange women in white, holding onto each other and weeping. Nicole and Waverly walked through the scene in a dream state, not sure if they could trust their senses to tell the truth.

Wynonna spotted them right away.

“I didn’t know what to do.”

Waverly nervously looked across the room, trying to figure out which lost girl could be their own.

“She’s over there, talking to Gus.”

Nicole grabbed Waverly’s hand, squeezing her tightly.

“Are you on duty?” Wynonna turned to Nicole.

“Uh…” Nicole was still in sweatpants, not having bothered to change into her uniform. She tried to wiggle her hand loose but Waverly held tight.

“She’s with me.” Waverly said firmly. Wynonna stared at them for a moment. 

“Right.”

 

\--

 

Waverly didn’t recognize her sister; Willa didn’t look like anyone, just another brunette wrapped in fur as far as she was concerned. Even Wynonna seemed weary as to if this was some kind of trick.

“Wynonna.” Willa moved towards her easy and Waverly could see the tears spotting in her sister’s eyes. She always assumed how bad Wynonna missed her and Daddy since they never talked about it.

“Your sister.” Wynonna gestured to Waverly who stepped forward, no idea how she was going to react. Waverly had run through a million scenarios in her mind in the drive over; none of them ended well.

Willa’s eyes tensed up for a moment and Waverly saw something that she’d tried to put away for fifteen years, that same fear erupted in her.

“I don’t have another sister.”

Wynonna’s face fell, Waverly felt her own burning.

It wasn’t fair to anyone; not to Willa; not to Waverly.

“I had a brother.” She looked at Gus, her face stuck to the ground, “Where’s my brother?” Her voice trembled and Waverly remembered how much she’s been through.

“Willa.” Waverly spoke and all eyes landed on her, “It’s me, he’s here.” Her fingers fell to the top of her chest, the words were so false they tasted like medicine.

Nicole appeared behind her, her warmth pressed against Waverly’s back.

Willa’s face was tense, twisted. Waverly could see she recognized something in her face, a detail from when they were kids, something to convince her.

“W*****?”

Waverly’s arms started trembling.

She didn't know whether to nod or shake her head.

“It’s Waverly.”

Willa didn't answer but her eyes confirm her understanding, begrudging and dissatisfied.

“You’re pretty.”

Waverly brightened, looking into Willa’s eyes for some sign of acceptance but there was only hardness, like the words themselves tasted bitter coming off her tongue.

Wynonna wrapped her arms around her sister again. Willa accepted, her fingers finding themselves around the loops of her leather jacket, but her eyes stayed firmly locked on Waverly, taking her in like a space alien or a long lost sibling.

 

\--

  
“I never really wanted you to hear that name.” Waverly said the next day. Nicole had offered her some time to clear her head at her apartment, Dolls and Gus and Wynonna and Willa all frantic at the homestead.

Nicole smiled sadly.

“I’m sorry she took that from you.”

Waverly bit the swell of her cheek. 

“Me too.”

 

\--

 

“Did you ever talk to anybody about it?” Willa was sitting in the same room she’d tortured Waverly in. The memories were too strong, flooding her mind like a wet fog.

“Who was there to talk to?” Wynonna answered, ever-present drink in her hand.  

Waverly was spying from up the stairs, listening in between the gapped floorboards like when they were little. It wasn’t the first time Willa had waited for Waverly to leave the room to talk about what was serious.

“I’m just saying…” Willa paused, testing out the waters, “There’s something _wrong_ with him, isn’t there? Something we could fix?”

Wynonna sighed.

“Is that what’s topping our list of concerns right now? With Bobo and everything else?”

Willa didn’t answer, though Waverly could hear her mind whirring.

“I’m just worried about him.” 

Waverly waited for Wynonna's correction her but it never came, the silence making her fingers feel numb.

 

\--

 

“I heard you two.” Waverly said tentatively, Wynonna applying some mixture Willa had insisted on to her wound. The gunshot hadn’t hurt so much as scared her, all that blood, “Talking earlier.”

Wynonna looked up for a second, embarrassed.

“She’s confused, y’know?”

Waverly nodded, impatient and unsure what she was looking for.

“We all are.”

“No,” Wynonna sighed, “I mean, about you, she doesn’t understand. You can’t really blame her for it, things have changed.”

Waverly burned; of course she’d take Willa’s side.

“That doesn’t mean she can talk about me like that...”

Wynonna nodded.

“But you let her!”

Wynonna matched her gaze.

“You let her and didn’t say anything, Wynonna!”

Wynonna slammed the jar back on the table, gauze trailing to the ground.

“Waverly!” Wynonna grabbed her hands, “We don’t know what the hell happened in that place, she could have been… I don’t know, raped or tortured or whatever else!" Waverly's eyes didn't shift and Wynonna shook her head.

"She _just_ came home, so forgive me if I’m not so quick to jump on her about fucking semantics or whatever.”

Waverly eyes brimmed, she wanted badly to give up.

“It’s not that easy.” She said, shaking her hands free. “She’s not telling me how ‘worried she is’ about _you_.” Waverly’s voice was low, “It’s me, it always has been.”

Wynonna sat staring at her.

“I’d love to think you’re on my side, this time.” Waverly begged.

Wynonna stood, gathering the dressing supplies back in the white emergencies box.

“I have to look out for her, Waverly, she’s family.”

“So am _I_.”

Wynonna set the box down on the kitchen counter.

“And you walked out on me.”

She couldn’t stop herself now.

“I was thirteen and all I needed in the world was for you to tell me it was okay; that you still loved me; that you’d stay.” Seven years of lost causes bubbled over her surface. “But you left, you left me with the fucking peanut butter.”

Wynonna was so still Waverly wasn’t sure if she was breathing.

The Earp sisters felt a mile between them.

“I’ll tell Willa to stop misgendering you.”

She walked out and Waverly called Nicole.

 

\--

 

“It’s simple.” Dolls cleared his throat, “Get inside the estate, figure out what Bobo’s doing; stop him. I want you all on your toes, this isn’t just a party; it’s an _investigation_.”

Wynonna made some joke about just wanting a fucking drink.

Jokes didn’t seem to be very funny anymore.

 

\--

 

The party was thick with people that Waverly used to be adored by. She’d been regarded with suspicious looks all evening, all the self-confidence she’d accumulated over the years getting beaten down by the stares that seemed to run through her.

Waverly walked up to her old history teacher, desperate to start a conversation with someone. They’d chit-chatted awkwardly for only a minute before he’d found an excuse to walk away, leaving her alone again. Waverly sighed. She knew she was supposed to be ‘investigating’ but she couldn’t stop herself from trying to reconnect, trying to show everyone that nothing had changed.

Champ’s absence only made her own guilt feel more tangible.

At least Nicole looked beautiful.

She was wearing some white purple gown, adorned in jewelry. Waverly didn’t think she’d ever seen the woman less butch. Her heart had stopped in her chest the moment she saw her girlfriend (still unconfirmed) in a dress.

“You are a vision.”

Waverly smiled, trying so hard not to wrap her fingers around Nicole’s.

“Oh please, I didn’t even have time to accessorize.”

The two had made their way through the estate, Nicole trying to steal Waverly’s eyes away from the whispering and the stares.

“I feel like a monkey in a zoo.” She’d finally whispered, standing around a taller table in the back.

Nicole frowned.

“You wanna get out of here?”

Waverly almost laughed in her self-pity.

“There’s nothing I’d rather do more.” She sighed, “But we’re here in an… official capacity.” She gestured and Nicole noticed Wynonna, Dolls and Willa all stationed around in various positions.

“Doc still not back?”

Waverly shook her head and Nicole could feel the touchy subject pointing her away, she was never one to ignore her gut.

“You miss him?”

Waverly took a sip of her water.

“He’s a good man, he’ll be back.”

Nicole nodded.

 

\--

 

“Well, well, well.” The voice came from behind her. Waverly didn’t want to turn around, didn’t want to deal with the mocking implicit in the first three words. “Waverly Earp,"

Steph's voice.

"-if that _is_ your real name.”

Definitely Steph. 

Nicole was already turned around.

“Chrissy, Stephanie-” It was a warning, her badge in her purse.

“Nicole, don’t.” Waverly faced her former best friends. They looked great, much to Waverly’s disappointment, though she hoped they were thinking the same thing about her.

“I don’t even know what you think you’re doing here tonight.” Chrissy was cold, removed.

“It _was_ a full town event.” Waverly hissed.

Chrissy bit her lip, eyes looking like she was reconsidering doing this here.

“Lot of people feel pretty hurt about the shit you pulled, Earp.” Steph moved in, making the gap between her and Waverly that much smaller. “I keep saying we should call you in on attempted statutory.”

“What?” Waverly said, her voice shaky.

“All those sleepovers and you were just some creepy boy in a dress trying to sneak a peak.”

The slap hit so hard and loud it quieted the other guests in their room. Waverly barely knew what she was doing until she felt the heat stinging on her hand.

Nicole was suddenly standing between them as Steph lunged at Waverly, nails flexed.

“You bitch.” Her cheek was bright red where Waverly had made contact; a deeply satisfying color.

“Waverly, what the fuck?” Wynonna had come over, appearing with Willa by her side.

“Get her out of here.” Willa’s voice rang out, not asking.

Waverly was suddenly being pulled in several directions with Nicole handling Chrissy and Steph, looking at her fellow well dressed officers for help. Everyone around them silent as her sisters tried to move her out of the spotlight.

“ _NO!_ ” Waverly let out a scream louder than every one she’d let into her pillow as kid. “No, no, no! You’re not gonna spin it that way.” Waverly was breathing heavily, every eye and ear pointed towards her.

“Don’t come and act like you know the first reason why I did any of the things I did when we were in high school. I was desperate, I was scared! And I was trying so hard to be everything all of you wanted me to be.” Waverly took a step towards Chrissy. “I put my life into being something lovable, into being an Earp this town could stand by. All everybody ever told me about my name was how dangerous it was and I hated that. No, Steph, I was never just some boy in a dress." She let out a wild grin. "I was this town's _cheerleader_!"

She glanced around the room, almost everyone she’d ever met standing in a circle.

"And guess what?”

Wynonna's hand slipped down to her own. 

“You all fucking loved it.”

“Waverly, please-” Nicole was quiet, still trying to de-escalate. 

“No! Don’t stop me.” She pointed around the crowd, “You all _loved_ me. I was your valedictorian."

She was spinning.

"I saved my family name. I’ve poured more drinks than I can count for every single one of you!”

The stares were so piercing Waverly had to shield her eyes.

“And now, what? You’re gonna act like because of some details about a name change, some _personal stuff_ that you never had any right to know about in the first place!”

The crowd's eyes were growing sad, like watching a beloved family dog die of rabies; all sound and movement.

“Because of that you’ve decided I’m someone to be avoided.”

Waverly laughed.

She took in the eyes of her sisters, caught between horror and devotion, love and fear.

“Well, good. You never deserved me anyways.”

The room fell so quiet and Waverly grew conscious of Nicole’s burning ears. She looked… really turned on. Waverly smirked, deciding to be more authoritative next time they were alone.

The silence was finally broken by a singular pair of clapping hands from the doorway.

“A fine speech, Ms. Earp.”

Bobo emerged from the dark.

The first person she ever told, wrapped in furs and scars.

“Allow me one of my own.”

 

\--

 

_APPROX. 14 HOURS LATER_

 

\--

 

Nicole was right, mild bruising was the extent of Willa’s damages, that didn’t stop Waverly from showing up at the hospital with a warm thermos. She had seen Nicole in the hospital before. Hell, in this town she’d seen most members of her immediate family laid up. But the moment she walked through the door and saw Nicole, pale and trembling, she burst into tears.

“Baby, baby, baby.” Nicole ran her fingers over Waverly’s hair, trying to stop her weeping, “Look at me. I’m okay!”

“I know, I just-” Waverly shuddered, trying to normalize her breath. “I really thought I lost you.” She looked up at Nicole, brushing a few stray droplets from underneath her eyes. “After all that, I thought you were just gone.”

“I’m not leaving you.”

And for once in her life, Waverly was sure of something.

“But, baby, if you keep leaning on my ribcage like that, I’m probably gonna pass out.”

“Shit!” Waverly spun up and Nicole laughed like it didn’t matter how much laughing hurt.

“You’re cute when you’re nervous.”

Waverly smiled grudgingly.

“Even when I nearly puncture your lungs?”

Nicole’s smile grew even bigger.

“Especially then.”

Waverly walked back over to Nicole, sitting back down on the chair they’d provided. They took each other in, obviously in love. 

“Wynonna texted me.”

She took a breath.

“Willa’s dead.”

Nicole touched her hand, so light Waverly barely noticed it.

“Are you okay?”

Waverly didn’t know how to answer; so the question trailed off into the noise of the space heater.

“I wanna go down there and check it out, apparently Dolls is in trouble.” She sighed, “It seems like the mess is just getting started.”

Nicole held her fast.

“I’m game.”

Waverly wondered about telling her what Bobo said; if another secret could really damage everything they had here. She had no idea if he was telling the truth and now he was flying back to Hell with ‘Do Not Return To Sender’ stamp. It was all still up in the air. 

Then she caught Nicole’s eyes, filled with all the best of the January sun.

“Me too.”

 

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you very much for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> so this fic was inspired by tumblr user thedeadflag's commentary about the way trans women characters (or more often g!p characters) are fetishized and not given any kind of backstory beyond 'has a penis' and 'is horny'. so i wanted to try looking at a fic where we are focused on the backstory of the trans character and kinda breaking the tropes of a lot of those g!p fics. tropes like the more butch character being the one with a penis and their partner trying to 'fuck their dysphoria away'
> 
> and please, if you enjoyed, leave a comment!


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